The Scent of Lavender and Fear
by whitebordeaux
Summary: "There's a fine line between courage and stupidity." "Yeah, a fine, thin, blue line."
1. Chapter 1

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 1

I don't own R and I.

**A/N: Fiction is about fantasy. Fantasy is about escape. Fairy tales do exist, sometimes only in fantasyland. -Jennylyne**

"_Tell me Jane. What would you like to do to me?"_

"_I'd like to get my gun, and put it in your mouth and pull the trigger."_

"_Do you dream about me, Jane? Cuz I dream about you."_

"_I don't even think about you, but I'll tell you what. I'll visit you every damn day if you tell me who your friend is."_

"_You're right, Jane. I should play fair. My friend is out there. Enjoy him...because he'll enjoy you."_

The darkness was at times too bright, the silence too loud and the cold air that surrounded Jane made her wonder why she sweat so. She wasn't hot, but she could feel the sweat as it made it's way down only one side of her face. It irritated her, but she didn't move to wipe it away. It was a feeling and she hung on to that feeling for it was all she had right then. Her hands ached, but they didn't hurt. Nothing hurt, not as long as she was still.

Jane hated that she could hear his voice, remember his words and smell his threats. She hated that he lived on in her head, always there. Always. The Surgeon. Hoyt. She thought she had heard him as they entered the house. She felt his presence, smelled the threat that was close. Jane knew he was dead. She knew this because she had killed him, but still she stumbled. Still she fought against a memory, an enemy, a ghost.

A rookie mistake, happens to them all at one time or another. Jane let her guard down, turned too soon, turned back too late. A costly mistake, without a doubt. Jane remembered the searing pain, then the immediate relief. She remembered the piercing scream, then the eerie silence. The bright, burning light that forced her to close her eyes, squeeze them tight as the darkness soon replaced everything in her scene. Get up, get up. Jane's voice was not her own as she pleaded with her body to respond to her desperate demands. Her instincts had failed her and now so would her body.

"Jane Rizzoli. Well, I'll be damned." Jane wanted to turn her head towards the familiar voice, but her body continued to refuse her. Instead she listened. Say something else. Who's there? "It's been quite some time since I've seen you."

Thomas O'Malley. Field Training Officer number three or four, Jane couldn't exactly remember. She wasn't the easiest recruit to train when she first graduated the academy. "Tom?"

"Rizzoli, what the hell happened?" Thomas moved so Jane could see him. He looked good, given his age and the fact that Jane helped him age so much faster than he maybe would have otherwise.

"I'm not sure. Can't seem to move." Jane wondered why her voice lacked her usual confident tone.

"Might have something to do with the bullet they removed just a few hours ago from the side of your head." Thomas was old when Jane was a rookie, now he was just Thomas to Jane. Not Sargent O'Malley, not sir, just Tom.

"I screwed up, I thought..."

"Yep. You thought. No time for thinking when you're in the field like that, Jane. We've been over that. Instinct. Instinct. Instinct. Trust your gut, no doubt you didn't do that."

"I always trust my gut. I'm much better than what happened. I thought he was back. I thought..." Jane stopped as Thomas shook his head from side to side. The disappointment written all over his face. Jane hated to see that she disappointed him in any way; she always hated that look he gave her.

"Why would you think he was back, Jane? What made you turn when you had your guy? Kid wasn't but twenty years old, but mean as all get out. Desperate too. He had every intention of firing at you and by the looks of things, did just that."

"I don't know. I felt him behind me, heard him." Jane's voice seemed loud to her now as she winced against the pain she could now feel.

"Head hurt, Jane?" Thomas crossed one leg over the other as he watched Jane try to place where the pain was coming from.

"No. No, I don't think so. Why can't I move?" Jane's voice now sounded familiar as her words were soaked in frustration.

"I'm going to go with the bullet again." Thomas always seemed like he had no patience for a young officer Rizzoli, but truth be told he was the only one that managed to get through to the eager rookie.

Jane stopped her efforts to move and with that the pain ceased as well. Much better. Jane quickly realized the beauty of pain management. She took a few minutes to study Thomas. The job had been hell on him until he finally retired. The war against crime was a winless war, yet still they fought it. Jane wondered how much of that war, Thomas continued to fight. His eyes were tired and they never smiled when he looked at you. Jane realized that when she first met him and now she remembered how his eyes gave him away. He had seen too much in his career and when Jane Rizzoli graduated the academy, his only job was to teach a brand new rookie how to not get dead. He had done his job and she was doing hers. Thomas O'Malley was proud of Jane Rizzoli then and even now despite the fact she had let her history possibly decide her future.

"Tell me, Jane. How did you feel when you thought Hoyt was out of prison? When you realized he had an apprentice? When you visited him only to hear him confirm that he had indeed trained somebody to do what he does." Thomas repositioned himself in his chair, he had every intention on staying awhile and Jane picked up on the body language easily.

"My hands immediately began to ache. Involuntary response, they just...do." Jane watched Thomas' face for a response but continued when there didn't seem to be one. "I had to see him in prison. Had to know for certain that he was still there. Had to face him to ask him. Had to give for him to let me have any confirmation that he had indeed trained an apprentice."

"Tell me about it." Thomas' voice was steady, almost flat, but Jane found it comforting in contrast to that of her memory.

"My partner, Barry Frost was angry at how Hoyt talked to me. Frost is a good man, great detective. Had problems stomaching a lot of what we see at first, but he got better with time. I played his game and he gave me the information I went for. Hoyt did. I had to catch his friend before he caught me. Very simple." Jane looked down at her hands as they stayed perfectly aligned to her sides. "His voice is like poison when he talks, it gets into every pour, every opening and burns."

Jane stopped talking as Thomas shook his head again. "You were scared."

"Damn right." Jane sighed when she realized how she reacted to nothing more than an obvious statement. "Frost and Frankie didn't want me staying alone and I remember being so frustrated. I told Frankie that if I were a guy, they wouldn't be so worried. His only comment being that I wasn't a guy."

"You're not a guy."

"Right. I'm a homicide detective." Jane realized how Thomas had set her up with a simple sentence. "That obviously made a rookie mistake."

"Obviously."

Jane lost sight of Thomas as the silence was deafening. "Tom? Are you still here?"

"I am."

"Where did you go? I couldn't see you." Jane still couldn't see him and the frustration she felt was mounting. What was going on? Why couldn't she move? Where the hell did Tom go?

"Tell me about Dr. Isles." Jane turned her head toward the voice. The movement again brought the agonizing pain that Jane was quickly learning resulted from any movement at all.

"What do you want to know?"

"Why she hasn't left from outside this door since you've been here." Jane finally located Tom, only now he was across the room.

"She's my best friend."

"_Did you ever like the same guy as your best friend?"_

"_No."_

"_Did you ever have a best friend?"_

"_No."_

"_You'd tell me if you were a cyborg, right?"_

"_No, I don't think I would."_

Jane sighed as she remembered how scared she was lying next to Maura, talking about Agent Dean and listening to Maura's pet turtle, tortoise, make it's way around the house. Maura had told Jane that she was incredibly brave, but the truth was she had never been so afraid in her life. Being afraid and being totally consumed by fear were two different things. Jane knew this; Jane lived this.

"Why isn't Maura in here? She should be in here." Jane wanted Maura to explain to her what was happening. Why she couldn't move. Why the pain was so bad if she tried. Why she was so cold.

"She's waiting, Jane. Like the rest of your family, just waiting for word." Thomas took his place back by Jane's bedside. He propped his feet up on her bed, lifting his arms so that his hands rested against the back of his head. "The bullet to the head, remember?"

Jane didn't answer, instead opting to close her eyes. The darkness felt good, right in a wrong kind of way. She had let Hoyt get to her even while he was dead. She let him get to her when he was alive as well; twice.

"Have to keep your eyes wide open, Jane. Got to be able to see the unseen, you know this." Thomas took a few minutes to study his once young protege while she chose to close her eyes and leave the world behind. The years hadn't been too harsh on her, not from his perspective at least. The compliment was unnecessary, probably wouldn't be well received anyway.

"You saying I made another mistake? I must have; I never thought it could be Hoyt in the back of that van." Jane once again found herself searching Thomas' expression for any kind of answer to a question she didn't have to ask.

"You were worried about your neighbor. Understandable." Thomas wouldn't give Jane anything and that alone was frustrating.

"Why are you here? Why are you in here and Maura out there?" Jane nearly whispered her last words as even the sound of her own voice was making her body scream in pain. It confused Jane how she was either in agony or felt nothing at all.

"Tell me about Charles Hoyt. Why didn't you kill him when you had the chance, Jane. Justifiable homicide." Thomas nudged Jane's legs with his foot, waiting for her to open her eyes before he continued. "You marked him, shot him in the hands. Death would've been a much more suitable punishment, don't you think?"

Jane was tired. She wanted nothing more than to sleep and the hum of Thomas' voice in her head was preventing her from doing that. "Go away. I'm so tired."

"Not yet, Rizzoli. Have to work through the pain, the exhaustion. You know how that is, you've been around long enough." Thomas placed his hand on Jane's face. He smiled when she opened her eyes to his touch. She was cold, but her eyes were still warm as they searched his.

"Am I going to die?" Jane's voice wavered as she spoke and if Thomas' had been anybody else, his heart may have broken a bit. He was tough in his day, mean maybe even. He had his work cut out for him though in Jane Rizzoli. Excellent recruit, just had to be polished. She challenged him but only at first. Jane Rizzoli impressed him with her intelligence. Her ability to recognize what she saw. She knew she would learn a thing or two from Thomas O'Malley if she could put up with his angry, cold demeanor. Tough skin, tough cop.

"You thought he would kill you, didn' t you. Finish what he started." Thomas' hardened his voice, forcing a weak, drained Jane to respond quickly.

"That was his intention. I wasn't going to let that happen." Jane's answer made Thomas smile, but only briefly. "I fought him and I won."

"Did you, Jane? Win?"

"I thought I did. Maybe not so sure now." Jane tried to disguise the defeat in her voice, but knew she was failing miserably. "I really wish Dr. Isles could come in now. I need to see her before..."

"Before what, Jane?" Thomas nudged Jane's legs again with his foot, once again getting her to open her eyes. "You fought before. Hell, you fought him twice. Why lie down now?"

Jane looked down at her lifeless body. She knew better than to try to move it. "It's too late."

Thomas nudged Jane again. "I can keep doing this for as long as it takes."

Jane opened her eyes to glance at Thomas. She felt exhausted, her body refused to move on her command and she still wasn't sure what had exactly happened. Maura wasn't allowed in, but an old training officer was. Nothing made sense to her right now. "Hoyt told me my problem was I let my heart rule my head."

Thomas pulled his legs down so that his feet rested comfortably on the floor. He once again placed his hand on Jane's cheek, getting the result he was looking for. "That's not your problem, Jane. Your problem right now is despite removing that bullet from your head, you're fighting for your life."

"I'm too tired to fight, Tom. I just don't care anymore."

"Got to care, Rizzoli. Got to fight." Thomas watched as Jane let her head roll from side to side despite the pain she was obviously experiencing. "Got to care to fight."

Jane Rizzoli cared; Thomas knew this. She cared maybe a bit too much. Thomas cared too, for Jane. He would fight for her until she could fight for herself. His job was to make sure she simply didn't get dead and she had done so good for so long.


	2. Chapter 2

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 2

I don't own R and I.

"Jane? Jane." Thomas paused before giving his voice just enough volume to get Jane to open her eyes again. "Jane!"

"Really?" Jane was aggravated, irritated, frustrated. She was tired, oh so tired and all she really wanted was to sleep. Just sleep. Just for a bit. Just long enough to where she felt she would be able to face what was to happen to her next.

"Where'd you go, Rizzoli?" Thomas knew he was preventing Jane the relief she was seeking and he also knew he would continue to prevent her from closing her eyes for too long. Eyes wide open, Detective. Eyes wide open.

"To sleep. Do you mind?" Jane glared at Thomas O'Malley and he fielded her irritation as if it didn't phase him. It didn't phase him; he knew it and so did she.

"Actually, I do mind, Officer. Your beat's not up, not yet."

"It's Detective and it feels like I'm done." Jane let her eyes fall again before allowing them to close against the deep, throaty laugh that rattled her entire body. Thomas had a way of pushing Jane and he was having a great time doing that now.

"Talk to me then, Detective." Thomas stood and began to make his way around the small room. He inspected each piece of equipment as if it were something he had never seen before. Jane watched him intently, again wondering why exactly he was here. She watched everybody's movements with interest as that was part of her nature, part of who she was. It was how she learned about character, how she measured her own instincts against someone else's character. It was how she expected the unexpected, how she responded and reacted to the irrational. It was how she lived.

"What, Thomas? I'm just so tired. Don't you get it?"

"Why didn't you marry?" Thomas continued to scrutinize the screen that showed how Jane's heart beat in an irregular rhythm.

"How do you know I didn't?" Jane's attitude and deflective nature made Tom smile. In fact, it made him somewhat proud.

"I don't see a husband milling around in the waiting room. I see plenty of people, male and female, but nobody that would strike me as your husband." Thomas stole a glance at Jane's face just in time to see the questioning gaze she threw at him.

"There is no husband." Jane's voice was challenging despite being very weak. She closed her eyes, praying Thomas would let her be. Just long enough to catch her breath, just for a few seconds.

"_You married?"_

"_No."_

"_That's too bad."_

"_Uh, no. It's by choice."_

"_Why is that?"_

"_Because any man I could love wouldn't want me doing this job. And I love this job."_

"_This job can break your heart too. Good luck, Detective."_

Jane thought back to the conversation she had had with Kenny Leahy. The Boston Strangler case destroyed so many good men, good careers. Including Leahy. He wasn't fond of Jane, not when he first met her and certainly not by the end of the case she had where she had met him. A retired detective, angry, bitter and willing to waste a decent career to the whiskey. He seemed amused if not confused to her explanation as to why she had not married. He wasn't fond of women on the force and Jane was no stranger to the opinions of some of the veterans she had encountered throughout the course of her career. The job had broken her heart a time or two, but it was her broken body now that demanded her attention.

"Boston is a tough town, Jane. Lost many a good cop here; mind, soul, body." Thomas began to pace a bit, the room barely big enough for him to stretch his legs.

"So's New York, Chicago, Florida. Crime is everywhere." Jane wondered if Thomas had read her mind or if she had spoken without control of her thoughts. "Boston just so happens to be where I see it first."

"Leahy was a good cop, you know. He was, until he snapped. He was worried about the people of Boston. Scared for them. Determined to find the Boston Strangler." Thomas stopped at the foot of Jane's bed. His position caused Jane to look down the length of her still body to keep him in her sights. "You did too, Jane. You were told to leave it be, to not revisit that case from decades before your time."

"I didn't always follow orders the way I should. Liked to challenge authority when I knew I was right. Maybe that was wrong of me to allow...my heart...to rule...my head." Jane barely finished her statement before she realized what she had said.

"You know that'll kill ya every time. Got to think it through before you allow yourself to feel anything. Instincts are about training, experience, fear."

Jane let Thomas' words echo in her head as she tried to remember what had happened to land her here, like this. She could see herself turn to face Hoyt, she could hear Frost yelling, but Hoyt's quiet monotone voice was much louder and it forced her to turn away.

Jane knew Hoyt was dead. She was sure of it and she was now sure she had made a huge mistake in allowing herself to think otherwise. "Tom?" Jane suddenly feared being alone and she realized she hadn't heard Thomas' voice in quite awhile.

"I'm still here, Rizzoli. So are you."

"Why are you here?" Jane waited until Thomas positioned himself so that she could look him squarely in the eyes. "I haven't seen you in years."

"I had a long career, Rizzoli. Some good, some bad. Some assignments I liked more than others. I especially liked training the newbies." Thomas let out a low laugh as he let himself think back to some of the recruits that were handed to him for training. "I took my job seriously. It was a lot of responsibility, but I was successful in what I did. Every officer that trained with me is still alive. Whether still with the force or not, they are still alive."

"So you were good at what you did." Jane could feel the frustration mounting as she realized he was not going to give her a straight answer. He never did. Why would he now.

"Maybe. Maybe not. I like to believe I was, but reality is that everyone of you were simply lucky."

Jane knew the hazards that came with the job. The danger that was part of the job description at every level. She agreed with Thomas in that they were all lucky. Now she could only wonder if she would tarnish his perfect record. "Do you think they will let Maura in soon?"

"Dr. Isles? I expect soon, but I doubt too soon. Tell me, Jane. Why Dr. Isles?"

"I don't understand the question." Jane had asked herself that very question many times, so she knew stalling would be the best answer for the moment at least.

"Jane, I believe you do." Of course.

"She gets me, Tom. I don't know how else to put it, but she understands me." Jane felt no pain at all when she let herself think of Maura and how much she meant to her. Professionally and personally.

"_You are deceptively complex. I do not understand you."_

"_You would if I was a dead body."_

"_You think so?"_

Jane smiled around the ventilator as her memory allowed her to see Maura as she was that day on the softball field. Maura was the complex one. The intelligent one. The doctor. Jane liked to think she offered Maura a sense of normalcy. At least what Jane knew to be a normal existence. Growing up in Boston as part of an Italian family didn't allow for too much normalcy, but it was simply the way it was. Maura made Jane think.

"Maura says forensic evidence doesn't waver, doesn't lie, doesn't change its mind." Jane watched as Thomas simply shook his head. "She had a way of making me think things through."

"You went up against Joey Grant to prove your case. You solved that case, Rizzoli because of using your head."

"Maybe." Jane was once again exhausted. "Tom, I want to sleep. Please. Just for a little while."

"Okay, Rizzoli. Take a break. I'll wake you in a few minutes. Do not get dead on me." Thomas' order was heard clearly by Jane and she thought about commenting. She instead opted to take advantage of the few minutes he was offering.

Thomas O'Malley knew Jane was tired. He knew she was close to letting go this time for good. Her career had taken it's toll on her body and he could only wonder what it was keeping her fighting at this point. Tom left Jane. He had to let her rest, but he worried. What if only a few minutes was too long.

Tom stood next to Dr. Maura Isles as she held her cup of coffee between both hands. He could see the steam as it stayed just above the scalding liquid inside the cup. He knew she wouldn't drink it, at least not yet. She held it between her hands to keep her hands warm. Her body was cold too, Thomas could sense it as he stood closer to the heartbroken woman. When would they let her in to see Jane? He figured it wouldn't be much longer before they would at least allow her some company.

Officer Rizzoli. Detective Rizzoli. Thomas was proud of his charge. He was impressed with her will to fight for and through anything. He could only shake his head as he looked around at the people that had gathered. She shouldn't be alive at this point. He really didn't know how she was, other than that incredible will to survive.

Thomas followed Maura's eyes as she noticed the red lights flashing violently at Jane's door. Within seconds a team of doctors and nurses were hurrying in, save one nurse who recognized she was needed on the outside of Jane's room. She was needed to talk with Maura. To explain what was going on and to announce that they were doing everything they could. It would be longer now. Longer before they let Maura in to see Jane. Thomas knew this to be necessary. He also believed it to be a mistake. Jane needed to see Maura, to hear her, to feel her near. Instead they sent him and he took his job seriously. No matter what his assignment.

"Dammit, Rizzoli. I said only a few minutes!" Thomas glanced at Maura before making his way into Jane's room. The frozen fear that Maura displayed was enough to break the tough former homicide detective's heart.


	3. Chapter 3

The scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 3

I don't own Rizzoli and Isles.

Jane opened her eyes at the persistant nudging against her lower leg. It was apparent Thomas wasn't going to stop until she asked him to and even then there was no gaurantee.

"Ah, good to see ya, Rizzoli. What the hell happened?"

Jane cringed at the volume of Thomas voice as he demanded an answer. She would have to think fast, he hated waiting for answers to his questions. Got to be able to think on your feet to survive.

"I told you, I was tired. Just wanted to sleep a bit, but then everybody came rushing in." Jane was irritated, although unsure as to who or want to be irrited at or with.

"Everybody came rushing in because you checked out, Rizzoli. I told you, only a few minutes." Thomas got to his feet, slowly making his way around the room. Jane watched him carefully wondering if he expected an answer to his statement. He didn't ask her anything, but the way he paced confused her. "Head hurt, Rizzoli?"

"Yes, sir."

"Heart hurt, Rizzoli?"

"Yes, no. Maybe. I don't understand the question."

"I think you do."

Jane rolled her eyes, hating Thomas' interrogating tactics. She wondered what it was he wanted to know. "I'm tired, took a bullet to the head. Isn't that what you told me?"

"Answer the question Rizzoli. Tell me about Lt. Joey Grant." Thomas stopped at the head of Jane's bed, carefully scrutining her head wound.

"He left for D.C. Some big job as a liaison between the city of Boston and homeland security." Jane tried to read Thomas' expression as he made his way back to the chair by her bed. "Why, did something happen to him?"

"Do you care?" Thomas was quick with a reply and the abruptness startled Jane.

"Of course, I care. I've known Joey a long time."

"Yet you hid your fondness for him. Denied your attraction to him and let him leave without as much as a kiss. Cold Rizzoli." Thomas laughed, a deep hearty laugh and Jane wondered just how many pack of cigarettes this man smokes a day.

"_Do you think lieutenant Grant is sexy? You know, in a male kind of way?_

"_Do you like him?"_

"_Not my type."_

"_Grant is a brass kisser."_

Jane remembered very clearly denying any attraction to Joey Grant. She liked him and she hated that she liked him. "Grant was all about climbing. He was a brass kisser and I was more about the people. It wouldn't have worked."

"Not that your mother didn't try. I have to say Jane, that little black dress just about made Grant fall off that ladder he was climbing." Thomas continued to laugh and Jane could only stare. How would Thomas know about that dinner, that dress, that time in her life.

"When do you think they will let Maura, I mean Dr. Isles in?" Jane's voice was weak and she wondered if Thomas had even heard her.

"Don't really know. You're in the intensive care unit right now. Limited visitors if they even allow any. I suppose given her status they will probably make an exception." Thomas nudged her leg with his foot. "You and Dr. Isles are close, I take it. Ever discuss your attraction to Grant with her."

"There was no attraction to Grant. He left anyway, didn't matter." Jane was getting pissed and the elevation in her heart rate warned her to settle herself.

"_So, I heard about your little incident at the church."_

"_You gonna write me up?"_

"_Maybe. You gonna write me up for harassing you?"_

"_Maybe, but you'd have to do it first._

"_I think you look perfect."_

"_Thank you."_

"_You're welcome."_

"Oh Jane. Even Dr. Isles thought you would be good with Grant, but no, you let him get away. Why Jane?" Thomas insisted on pushing the issue and Jane was finding herself growing more and more frustated.

"I really don't understand what this has to do with anything. Especially now. How do you even know about Grant?" Jane stared Thomas down until he pulled his feet from her bed.

"Dinner was a bust and you go to Maura. With your bottle of wine and your little black dress. Women. Misery loves company? Or maybe wrong company to start with?" Thomas chuckled under his breath as Jane let her head fall back against the pillows. She was frustrated. That was good, kept her breathing.

"_Why are you laughing? Seriously, do I look stupid?"_

"_No, are you kidding me?" Really, you don't know? You're gorgeous, my friend."_

"How do you know about any of that?" Jane asked the question without caring if he even answered. It had seemed like forever ago that she had asked to see Maura.

"Joey made you angry, didn't he Rizzoli? He frustrated you, especially when he became your boss for that short period of time." Thomas spoke softly now and the tone change forced Jane to look his way.

"What happened to you, Thomas?" Jane was careful to match his tone. "Why are you here?"

"I told you, Rizzoli. Not one of my charges has died in the line of duty or otherwise. I am here to keep my record perfect. It's important to me." Thomas spoke with the authority that she remembered as she trained under him.

"I must be in bad shape, considering you're still here." Jane studied Thomas as he studied her. "Who called you to come and why are they allowing you in?"

"Not one of my charges has died in the line of duty or otherwise." Thomas got to his feet then and stood at the foot of Jane's bed. "I take my assignment seriously. Once again, you are my assignment."

Jane could barely see him when he stood that way, close enough to hear her, far enough so that she couldn't see him.

"Tom?"

"I'm still here, Rizzoli and so are you." Thomas' words were spoken with a caring Jane never would've recognized from him. "Listen to the monitors, let them relax you. Your doctors will be coming in soon, they will need to check your vitals and your wound. Listen when they talk amongst themselves. They'll say things like how is she still alive, and this is a fighter."

"Are you leaving me, Tom?" Minutes ago, Jane would've given anything for Thomas to go away. Now she feared he would leave her again to face this almost certain death on her own.

"No. Not as long as you need me." Thomas backed away realizing Jane was in a bad way. He watched as the doctors and nurses made their way in and began assessing Jane. She was critical. Even doubtful at this point. Maybe they would let Dr. Isles in. Maybe she could give Jane that little bit of reason to keep fighting.

Thomas stepped out into the waiting room. Nobody had left and it seemed as though even more people had come. Jane's mother sat solemly with her brothers, how they needed some news. Thomas wished he could help them, he wandered how it felt to lose a child.

Dr. Isles. Jane needed Dr. Isles. She had asked for her several times yet still she waited. Thomas watched and waited until the doctors filed out. Nobody stopped to share any information, signifying that no news was good news at this point. That wasn't good enough for Dr. Isles and Thomas smiled knowing it wouldn't be. She grabbed the sleeve of the last doctor to exit and demanded an update on her friend's condition.

Thomas made his way over to Maura, crossing his arms over his chest, hoping to add just a little more power, just a little more strength to Maura's plea for information. Her hope that they would let her in to see Jane.

Thomas could only laugh as Maura's words only seemed to frustrate the doctor, forcing him to give in to the determined medical examiner. She was in, way to go Maura. Thomas was willing to put money down that Jane had checked out for a bit and wouldn't even know Maura was coming. He entered the room ahead of Dr. Isles hoping to wake Jane to let her know she was finally getting her wish.

Thomas opted to instead wait to see if just Maura's presence would be enough to pull Jane from her bullet induced slumber.


	4. Chapter 4

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 4

I don't own Rizzoli and Isles.

_Let in the day after a dark night, if you're still here, you're not done dying._

"Jane. Jane." Thomas was ahead of Maura, capitalizing on the usually confident medical examiner's hesitation. It made sense to him that Dr. Isles would hesitate despite her desire to be by her friend's side. It was the knowledge that Jane was between life and death. In limbo. Touch and go as he so often heard her delicate state being referred to. "Rizzoli!"

"Sir?" Jane wanted to snap her eyes open at Thomas O'Malley's commanding voice, but her body was failing her in the worst way. She felt the fatigue travel her entire being as if it were hot lava coarsing through her veins. She could almost follow the path her pain took as it awakened every nerve in her body as it flowed; scalding, burning, then numbing.

"Listen, to the sounds of the monitors. It's distinct." Thomas wanted, no needed Jane to hear the song he heard as he listened to her breathing. It was if it were the title track of her career. "It's your song, Rizzoli. You're not done dying."

"I can hear it. Turn it off, please." Jane could hear her mumbled words nearly drown out the music. It was eerie how familiar the tune was, but not surprising Thomas heard it too.

"Once it's off, it's off, Rizzoli. That's it." Thomas leaned in close, placing his ear just inches from Jane's face. He could hear her breathing and the eerie music accompanied her nicely. It was nice to know she wasn't done dying. "Hearing is such an important weapon, often under used."

"It's too loud. Tom? It's too loud!" Jane didn't want to listen to her breathing, the monitors, or the damn song. She wanted it to all stop, she needed it to all stop.

"Open your eyes, Rizzoli. Eyes wide open, Detective." Thomas' commands were met despite the tremendous effort on Jane's part. "She did it, she made it in."

Jane was confused until she followed Thomas' gaze toward the door. The relief she felt at seeing Maura approaching was more than she expected, but definitely what she needed. The tears Maura fought caught in Jane's throat as she tried to call her name to no avail. "She can't hear me."

"No, Jane. She can't . Probably can't hear the song either. That's a shame." Thomas watched with intense interest at the display of emotion Maura both gave in to and fought at the same time.

"I need to talk to her. I need to let her know I'm going to be okay." Jane hated seeing the way Maura struggled and found it extremely frustrating to not be able to help her; protect her.

"Are you? Going to be okay?" Thomas walked around to the other side of the bed to where he positioned himself directly behind Maura. "Got quite a nasty head wound there, Rizzoli."

Jane watched as Thomas carefully studied Maura from a close distance. "What are you doing?" Jane realized that Thomas had no problem seeing and hearing Jane, where as Maura heard nothing of their conversation.

"Trying to get to know Dr. Isles a bit better is all. Relax, Jane." Thomas took a few seconds to take in Maura completely, letting his eyes roam her form, her figure, her face. Jane wondered how he was able to literally check Maura out without it feeling the least bit offensive or inappropriate.

"Can she see me?" Jane was beginning to understand her predicament. She needed to look at Thomas as he often said more with his body language and expressions that he did his words. She needed to read him as much as hear him, but she feared removing her eyes from Maura.

"Sure, she can see you. You look mostly dead to her, but death isn't anything that scares a medical examiner, now does it." Thomas moved back to his original postion on the other side of Jane's bed before continuing. "Makes you wonder what makes a person want to work with the dead."

"She's good at it." Jane stared at Maura, willing her body to give her best friend a sign. Anything to give Maura some relief. "She so very intelligent, genius."

"I can see that." Thomas' voice was meant to distract Jane but her eyes stayed wide open like he asked. Wide open and fixated on Maura. She's trying to assess you, you know. Simple little things that you and I would never know to look for."

Jane turned her head to look at Thomas, suddenly interested in what he was seeing. "Like what?'

"She's monitoring your breathing. She figuring out for her own benefit how much is you and how much is the ventilator. I would say it's all the ventilator, but what do I know." Thomas leaned in close to Jane. He lowered his voice as if Maura could hear him. "Watch her Jane. She wants to inspect your head wound but knows it's worse than it appears from a distance. She's trying to protect herself from reality."

"She's afraid. I can feel it." Jane wished she could help Maura. It bothered her whenever she knew Maura was scared, hurt or angry. "Please, Tom. Let me help her."

"Not my call, nor yours at the moment, Rizzoli." Thomas leaned back in his chair, content on enjoying the show. "She's going to touch you in a moment. She'll want to know if you're cool or hot to the touch. She may think you're fighting infection if your skin feels too warm or your blood pressure is dangerously low if your skin feels too cool. Personally, I think they simply keep hospitals too cold for anybody's good."

Jane watched as Maura proved Thomas right by touching her arm only to move her hand up to her fore head, just above her eyes. "I can't feel her touching me."

"That's a shame. She probably has the softest hands, you know, being a doctor and all." Thomas laughed at the glare Jane shot at him. "Tell me something, anything about her."

"She's so smart, but didn't know an attacker was actually a position in field hockey." Jane smiled at her memory. "So very smart, always amazed me."

"_Oh, Dr. Isles. Knuckle deep in germy bar snacks. I'm shocked."_

"_Oh, I had representative samples tested. Bacteria fell within acceptable limits. Want one?"_

"_Must be very complicated to be you."_

"_You have no idea."_

Jane closed her eyes, hoping to be able to feel Maura's touch only to curse in frustration when she couldn't. "I can feel the pain in my head and my body, but I can't feel her hands on me. What the hell?"

"You're pretty smart yourself, Detective. You make dumb mistakes, but despite that, you are intelligent as well." Thomas watched as Maura let her fingers lightly trace the outline of Jane's scars on her hand.

"_I try not to have regrets, but...I don't know, when I was on that campus, I felt like I missed out."_

"_Jane, you're a bright, accomplished woman."_

"_I peeked in the library. All the things I could have known if I'd gone to college. Something about being there was inspiring, you know?"_

"_But you know more about human beings than anyone I know."_

"_Bad human beings."_

"_More like a mix of good and bad."_

Jane wished she had gone to college, but she couldn't dwell on the past and her past decisions. Maura was right, she knew a lot about human beings. Some things she wished she had never learned. Made it hard to have any faith in humanity, sometimes. Then there was Maura.

"How many times have you been shot, hurt or injured on the job, Rizzoli?" Thomas pulled Jane from the frustrating thoughts that had her pinned.

"Too many."

"Yet you chose to become a cop instead of attend BCU. Regret it, yet?"

"Sometimes, but not all the time." Jane watched as Maura moved closer and carefully lifted the bandage that was around her head. She was going to inspect, knowing it was best she didn't. "Regretting it right now."

"_I applied to BCU."_

"_That's very hard to get into."_

"_I got in."_

"_Why didn't you go?"_

"_Wanted to be a cop."_

"_What's the real reason?'_

"_My father would've spent everything to send me there. I coudn't do that to him."_

"_Did you ever tell him?"_

"_No. That would make him too sad."_

"Tough being form a blue collar Boston Italian family, huh Rizzoli?" Thomas could see the regret in Jane's expression.

"Nah, I love my family." Jane raised her hand to try to touch Maura's arm, not so much surprised but frustrated when Maura didn't register the contact. "What happened to you, Tom?"

"Job wore me down, life beat me up and finally I gave in." Thomas knew Jane was aware of her situation. Should make his job that much easier.

"I didn't know you had passed. Surely I would've heard or read about it." Jane continued to try to touch Maura, failing with each attempt.

"Who says I did?" Thomas got to his feet, once again taking up a position behind Maura. He let his hands drop gently onto Maura's shoulder's where he began to gently massage. "She's exhausted, Jane."

Jane's eyes grew wide as Maura seemed to react ever so slightly to Thomas' actions. Jane was thoroughly confused now. "Why can't she feel me?"

"Trying too hard, Jane" Thomas continued to massage Maura's neck and shoulders all the while watching Jane try to figure out her current state.

Jane held her hand out to Maura and let it fall heavily at her side when Maura didn't respond. "How much longer do I have?"

"Not my call, Rizzoli." Thomas gave a short wave as he headed out of the room. "Looks to me you're not done dying. Not yet."


	5. Chapter 5

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 5

I don't own Rizzoli and Isles.

Jane figured it had only been a couple of minutes since Maura was asked to leave her room. A couple of minutes, a few hours, years. It was all too long. Jane wanted to move, needed to move when they insisted Maura leave. She had argued, even refused at first and Jane loved that feisty side of Maura. If only she could have said something, did something, anything to make them allow Maura to stay. Instead she could only watch as somebody so important was led away from her. She was alone and the fear she felt was more than she could remember ever feeling. Was this really the end? The frustration was mounting by the minute and Jane needed answers.

"Tom!" Jane could feel the effects of her exertion and her head screamed out a fair warning. She wouldn't do that again. Jane could hear her own breathing and that could only be a good sign. It was then that she remembered the monitors and the ventilator. Maybe it wasn't her breathing at all. Where was Tom?

"How'd that feel, Rizzoli?" Thomas was standing at the foot of Jane's bed with a grin meant to aggravate and irritate.

"Hurt like hell. Must mean I'm still living if I can still feel so much pain." Jane answered with a tone that was meant to match Thomas' expression.

Thomas chuckled at Jane's response, slightly shaking his head from side to side. "You cannot use pain to determine your condition. It's not always accurate, sometimes even misleading."

Jane glared at Thomas wishing he would go away, yet scared to death he would leave her.

"I saw Dr. Isles just a few minutes ago. She's a mess, but I guess that's to be expected." Thomas moved around to the side of Jane's bed and took a seat in what was now easily claimed as his chair. He used his foot to move Jane's legs slightly so that he could prop his feet up on her bed.

Jane closed her eyes in a desperate attempt to remove the image she had of Maura. The tears, the fear, the sadness that consumed her. The darkness she now saw had a cooling effect and Jane welcomed the relatively pain-free result from closing her eyes tight. And there it was. The persistent nudging against her legs. "Do you put your feet on my bed just so you could do that?" Irritation spewed from Jane's voice.

"Nah, I'm in for a long haul here. Have to pace myself, you know. These old feet can only take so much." Thomas studied Jane as she did the same. "You can't keep checking out like that, Rizzoli."

"I didn't check out. Just resting my eyes...no pain that way."

"You yourself said that feeling pain meant you were still alive. Isn't that what you want, to live?" Thomas stretched his arms up over his head before letting his hands support his head as he leaned back against the wall directly behind him.

"Yeah. Yeah, I want to live." Jane's voice was anything but strong.

"Well, then quit checking out. Talk to me." Thomas watched and waited as Jane struggled with her thoughts. "Tell me about Dr. Isles some more. I like her."

"I don't want to talk. Just want to rest. I don't understand why you won't let me rest. Isn't that what I need to heal? Rest?" Jane's hurried words did nothing but aggravate the dull ache that kept her eyes half closed.

"You're too wounded to rest, Jane. Do you not understand the severity of your injury?" Thomas' voice changed tone making it seem as though he was moving, yet he stayed perfectly still in his previous position. "I think Dr. Isles is a very attractive woman. Do you believe in love at first sight, Jane?"

"_Do you believe in love at first sight?"_

"_Immediate attraction is pure narcissism."_

"_Oh, I don't agree. Look they're talking about his t-shirt."_

"_It's quite a bit of effort to attract a mate."_

"_That right there is the beginning of true love."_

"_People are attracted to people who are attracted to them."_

"Yeah, I believe in love at first sight. Are you telling me you think you're in love with Maura?" Jane managed to turn her head slightly to the side, ignoring the brief pain for a glimpse of Thomas' expression. His blank expression once again irritated Jane. He knew it and she knew he knew it.

Thomas cleared his throat encouraging Jane to turn her head back towards him. Jane instantly closed her eyes at the pain looking for some, any amount of relief. "Hurt bad, Jane?"

Jane tried to breathe through the pain, pleading for a moment to catch her breath. Her world was so dark and closing her eyes was not giving her any relief at all. "Tom?"

"I'm still here, Jane, and so are you." Thomas had moved closer to Jane so that he could place his hand against her cheek. He smiled despite Jane's pain at the slight comfort she took with his actions. "Eyes open, Rizzoli. Eyes wide open."

Jane followed Thomas' order, thankful as her excruciating pain lessened. "Is this what dying feels like?" Jane could hear her own voice cracking as she spoke.

"I don't know." Thomas was direct with his answer before leaning back in the chair again, returning his feet to her bed. "You and Dr. Isles are so different, yet get along so well."

Jane realized Thomas wanted her talk in an effort to keep her mind off her pain. It worked, sometimes. "We're not so different."

"_You looked really at home in that world."_

"_It's where I'm from. It's not where I chose to stay."_

"_Well, what are you doing down here slumming with us?"_

"_The same as you. I'm catching bad guys."_

"_I need the job, you don't."_

"_Look, I want my life to have meaning and purpose, the same as you."_

"_It sounds good, Maura. I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm not even sure who's side you're on."_

Jane listened to the silence that filled the room. Maura was so very different.

"She's a wonderful asset to your team, wouldn't you say?" Thomas' tone was different now and Jane was at a loss as to why.

"She is. She's cracked many a case on her own. Forensics don't lie."

"She doesn't lie either. Not in her genetic makeup." Thomas was baiting, Jane's instincts were intact as she realized this.

"Or guess."Jane turned her head back towards Thomas pleased the dull ache didn't escalate with her movement. "She breaks out in hives if she guesses."

"I'm sure she figured out your exact condition as she stood here with you earlier. She'd never venture a guess at something so serious, so important." Thomas wanted a response but Jane was at a loss as to what to say to that.

She said nothing, opting instead to close her eyes. Please, Thomas. Just a few minutes of rest.

"Jane, do you trust Maura?" No such luck.

"I do trust Maura."

"_Rizzoli."_

"_Jane."_

"_Maura, I'm sorry."_

"_No, it's okay. Listen, I don't have a lot of time. Adam had a mistress. Vanessa DeWald."_

"_Why are you doing this?"_

"_Because I have your back. I gotta go."_

Thomas response pulled Jane's attention back to him. "Enough to let her help you?"

"You do know she works on dead people right? This can't be good for me." Jane liked feeling like she turned the tables on Thomas, even if just a bit.

"She's more comfortable working on dead people. I think she can help you, but you got to let her." Thomas stood and began to pace in front of Jane's bed.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I think you do. You said yourself, you and she are not that different." Thomas stopped to watch Jane work through his comments in her head.

"_Okay, here we go."_

"_I'm not really in a champagne kind of mood."_

"_Good, it's beer. I thought we'd celebrate the simple things in life."_

"_I don't really drink beer."_

"_That's because you've never had MY beer."_

"_Okay, well, can we at least drink it your way?"_

"_Yes, we can. Let's get this right."_

"_Remember when you asked me why I was slumming?"_

"_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."_

"_Now you know."_

"_Cheers."_

"_Cheers."_

"I'm going to go check on her for you. Relax a bit Jane." Thomas stopped at the door. "Do not check out."

Jane stared at Thomas, both thankful he was leaving her alone and fearful that he was leaving her alone. She trusted Maura could and would help her. She tried to reach out to Maura. She tried to call out to her. Tried to tell her she needed her. "Tom, I need help."

"I know you do." Thomas pointed his finger at her before opening the door. "Stay with me, Rizzoli. Do not ruin my record."


	6. Chapter 6

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 6

I don't own Rizzoli and Isles.

**A/N: Pain is only in the mind.**

"_Hoyt made you a victim. You're not a cop right now and you better face that."_

Jane listened carefully to the silence that was once again too loud. Her breathing made it impossible to hear her own thoughts as she worked to make sense of what was happening; what had happened. She constantly turned her head from right to left in what was proving to be futile attempts to alleviate the pressure that seemed to be growing stronger with every breath. She was so sure she had heard Hoyt behind her, so sure she had felt him.

"Rise and shine, Rizzoli." Thomas forced a quick laugh wondering how damaged Jane's hearing might be. Surely she would be able to pick up on his nervous energy through his delivery...if her hearing was anywhere close to where it was before the shooting.

"I'm good with dying now, Tom. If it'll make this pain stop, I'm good." Jane spit out her words not caring how selfish her wish sounded.

"Pretty selfish statement, wouldn't you say officer?" There was nothing wrong with Thomas' hearing.

"It's Detective." Thomas made his way into Jane's line of vision as she fielded his intentional insult.

"Oh, well you sound like a rookie right now. A rookie recruit at that." Thomas' voice was full of authority but had a certain instigating flavor that Jane recognized. "Have to fight. Have to care if you're going to fight."

"So tired of fighting. I've been fighting this winless war and I've had enough." Jane turned away from Thomas then truly not caring if he chose to leave her at this point.

Thomas nudged Jane gently until she turned back towards him. "Eyes wide open, Detective. Look at me." Jane glared at Thomas as she awaited his next comment. "Make me understand, Rizzoli."

Jane closed her eyes against her superiors commands. She counted her own heartbeat as it echoed in her head. "My head hurts and I want it to stop. There's not much more to it than that."

Thomas got to his feet and began his slow, painstaking waltz from one side of the room to the other. Three steps in each direction, before turning to dance again. "There a lot more to it than that, Rizzoli and you and I both know that."

Thomas continued to pace and Jane continued to protest. Jane watched Thomas O'Malley carefully while he kept his gaze firmly on his most challenging recruit. "Talk to me, Rizzoli. You giving up is a choice; a choice you are not yet entitled to make."

"Hoyt. I killed him, yet he beat me...again. I can't fight him, not like this."

"Why not?" Thomas stepped close to Jane, pausing before he placed his hand against her cheek. Works everytime. "Why not, Jane?"

"_It was my fault. I should've been there."_

"_You didn't know. I shouldn't have gone alone."_

"_You went alone because I made it hard to ask. It's on me."_

"_Don't you dare say that, alright? You saved my life."_

"_So, why aren't we partners anymore?"_

"_Because you saw me like that!"_

"_So what! It didn't change anything."_

"_Yes, it does. How could you possibly think that I have your back? How could you go into a dangerous situation with me as your partner after seeing me like this? This...broken."_

"_Now you...you listen to me. He didn't break you. No one can break Jane Rizzoli unless you let them. It's a choice."_

"Did you check on Maura?" Jane projected her own voice hoping to drown out Korsak's.

"As a matter of fact, I did. She's still sad, scared, worried. Especially after insisting once again on being briefed on your condition." Thomas wondered where Jane had gone in her head, his first guess being somewhere in the vicinity of Charles Hoyt. Thomas watched as Jane's eyes widened at his words. "I think they're going to take you back to surgery."

"That's good, right?" Jane surprised herself by being the least bit excited about going back into surgery. "I know this constant pounding in my head can't possibly be a good thing."

Thomas shook his head slowly from side to side. "They're going to try to remove the bullet now. They seem to be comfortable with the reduced swelling around your brain."

"That's great." Jane began to shake her head slowly along with Thomas until he stopped.

"Dangerous." Thomas let his body fall into the chair, returning his legs to what Jane recognized as his favorite position. She didn't move her legs, couldn't. She didn't mind the contact at this point, almost craved it. "Jane, why didn't you kill Hoyt when you had the chance?"

Jane tried to read between the lines of Thomas' statement. "What does that matter now? I got the chance again and that time I did."

"Yet you still fight him. Still fighting him now." Thomas stretched his arms over his head. He was easily able to read Jane's expression. She would love the ability to stretch in that way; just once.

"_I should've killed you."_

"_But you didn't. Now isn't that interesting? Why didn't you, Jane? Why not? It's not because you didn't want to sink to my level. Nah, that's not it."_

"_I've been wondering the same thing. Why didn't I kill you?"_

"_I know why."_

"_All those women you tortured and killed. Why? What made you go after them?"_

"_Bad luck?"_

"_It's that with me too? Huh! Was it my bad luck why you came after me? You get to a point where you aren't afraid anymore. I am not afraid of you anymore. I want to know. Why did you come after me?_

"_I love you when you're angry."_

"_I'm going to love you when you're dead."_

"_Why you? Every good boxer fights a worthy opponent where the win is meaningless. And you, Jane, are the only worthy opponent I have ever had."_

"Maura knows I am going back into surgery?" Jane now tried to erase Hoyt's voice which infected her head. No, there was nothing wrong with her hearing either.

"She does." Thomas' expression was once again blank.

"Korsak?"

"I'm sure he does as well." Thomas pulled his legs from Jane's bed. "As well as Frost, Frankie, your mother."

Jane stared at Thomas now wondering how she was supposed to feel. "I don't want to die, Tom."

"So, don't." Thomas stood and moved close to Jane's head. He studied her wound carefully before turning away without a word.

"Do I have a choice?" Jane wasn't a doctor but she knew the risks involved with the surgery she was facing.

"Life is full of choices, Rizzoli. You know that." Thomas was once again her superior as he made his way slowly around her tiny room. "For instance, your friend Maura. She made a choice to talk to Hoyt on your behalf."

"I never asked her to do that. I would never have wanted her subjected to that animal." Jane's voice held a protective tone that made Thomas raise his eyebrows.

"_Will you tell me if you plan to hurt Jane?"_

"_Oh, I do. I plan to kill her. Psychically kill her and keep her alive until I get out of here and finish her with my hands. I want to feel her blood covering my hands. I do."_

"He got to her, didn't he, Jane?" Thomas was careful as knew where Jane had gone once again.

"He gets to everybody he comes into contact with."

"Ah, this is true. He got to her in a way that made her doubt herself. Who she was. Who she is." Thomas was whispering now and standing just out of Jane's sight.

"Tom, I can't hear you. I can't see you." Jane felt the panic begin as her heart begin to skip.

"I'm still here, Rizzoli, and so are you." Thomas was careful to stay where Jane couldn't find him.

"_I spent a lot of time alone. I was adopted and my father was a professor and my mother...she came from a wealthy family. I was an only child. I just realized something when I was reading about Hoyt that just never occurred to me before. There was a lot of benign neglect. It's not that they didn't love me. It's just that I didn't ask for much. I don't think I really knew how. And the less that I would ask for the less time they would have for me. They were just very involved in their own lives and into each other. They sent me to boarding school when I was ten. I actually think I sent away for the brochure myself. They were delighted. I was really lost."_

"_No matter what happened to you, you are nothing like that monster. Okay? Yeah, you're a little anti-social maybe, a little goofy. That's not the same thing._

"_Thank you."_

"Maura has been through a lot with me, you know. She didn't deserve to doubt herself in any way. She never should've talked to him." Jane's breathing was becoming labored as she remembered the fear that consumed her at the hands of Hoyt and how he affected Maura as well.

"Yet you lie here and tell me you are ready to die. Would you have said that with Maura standing before you, Jane?" Thomas stood directly in Jane's line of sight, making sure she looked him in the eye.

"Never."

"You've got to let her help you. She seems like she would do anything for you." Thomas stared at Jane as if he were expecting a response.

"_Give me that."_

"_No, it's loaded."_

"_I'll stay up."_

"_It's loaded. No."_

"_Magazine capacity 15. Trigger pull 2.5kg. Line of sight 153ml."_

"_Have you ever shot one?"_

"_Um...no."_

"_No."_

"_But, I'm a fast learner."_

"_Okay. It's empty. Point it. Wrap your left hand like this. Okay, now push and pull. Loosen up. There you go, push and pull. The same amount of force. Okay?" _

"_Okay. Good?"_

"_Yeah. You look good. Okay, it's loaded."_

"_Okay."_

"_I'm only doing this because I'm tired. Point it that way. Alright, now don't shoot my neighbors cuz I'd hate to have to lock you up."_

"_Jane?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Do I look bad ass?"_

"_Yeah, you look like a bad ass."_

"Maura Isles is definitely a bad ass." Jane smiled at her memory and Maura's choice of words. "She's so strong, so smart. Fearless."

"Not so sure about that. She seems to be scared to death right now." Thomas walked toward the door, he coughed once causing Jane to look up at him. "This may hurt but turn your head just a little towards the right Jane and lift up. Just a bit."

Jane knew even that slight movement would hurt like hell and she knew Thomas was aware of that fact, yet still he gave her an order. Jane did as directed and was able to see into the waiting room where Maura stood looking anything but fearless. "Can she see me?"

"No."

Jane braved the pain refusing to remove her eyes from Maura. "She scared, you're right. She believes I am in worse shape than I really am."

Thomas slammed the door causing Jane to lie flat, slamming her eyes shut tight against the pain that screamed through her head. He stormed over to Jane clearly frustrated; even angry. "It doesn't get much worse than this, Rizzoli!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. Tom, please stop yelling." Jane's voice cracked with each word.

"Now, you can decide if you want to live. Hurry, Rizzoli. They are on the way in now. Make a decision!"

"Yes."

"Yes, what?" Thomas was blocking Jane's ability to see anything but his face, his eyes.

"Yes, sir. I will continue to fight." Jane knew she had to find the strength from somewhere and it became suddenly clear she was looking at it.

"Alright, stand down, Rizzoli. Relax." Thomas ignored the few tears that appeared seemingly from nowhere. "You have a long hard fight ahead of you."

"Will you stay with me, Tom?" Jane felt anything but bad ass as she heard her own voice begging him to not leave her.

"I'll stay as long as you need me to." Thomas opened the door once again, offering Jane a nervous smile before leaving the room. Jane hated that he had to leave, but she surprisingly didn't feel alone.


	7. Chapter 7

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 7

I don't own Rizzoli and Isles or the characters.

**A/N: There was a tendency to look at life from a distance; almost as if watching, not living.**

**There is a need to live, to love, to feel.**

"Tom?" Jane's eyes snapped open at the noisy silence that once again seemed suffocating to her.

"I'm here, Rizzoli, and so are you." Thomas watched over Jane carefully as she slept telling himself she needed the rest for what was upcoming for her.

"I thought you said they had removed a bullet from my head a few days ago? Why am I going back into surgery?" Jane was confused but was somehow becoming comfortable with the familiar confusion.

"Actually, that was earlier today." Thomas looked at his watch and then back at Jane. "Technically it was yesterday as of one minute ago."

"They didn't get it? Feels like they must not have gotten it out." Jane's voice was soft, well aware how her usual volume only agitated her head wound.

"Bullet fragments, Jane. That is what's causing the swelling, the pain, the pressure." Thomas moved carefully around the medical staff as they worked to prepare Jane. "Shrapnel if you will."

Jane watched as Thomas strategically moved around each person in the room. He was careful not to touch any of them. He seemed nervous and that only served to further worry Jane. Thomas O'Malley didn't get nervous, at least not that Jane could remember.

"Close your eyes, Rizzoli." Thomas' order was clear and sudden and Jane didn't hesitate to follow his direction. "Listen to what I tell you. They are going to move you in a few seconds. The bed will roll and your head will protest. You have to fight it, fight the pain and the urge to give up."

Jane could feel her heart begin to pound against her chest at the anticipation of more pain. She truly had had enough. "You've got at least a little more fight in you." How the hell did he continuously get inside her head?

Thomas was correct in his predictions and the minute the bed began to roll, Jane's head began to scream. She held her breath in an attempt to give her body at least a little less motion. "Breathe through it. Gotta breathe, Rizzoli. Gotta fight."

"Tom, make them stop. Please, make them stop." Jane briefly wondered if Thomas even heard her for she was having a hard enough time hearing herself over the noisy pain and louder screaming.

"Talk to me, Rizzoli. Tell me what happened." Thomas' voice was clear in her ear and she could imagine him running along side the bed as it moved through the hospital. She wouldn't look, wouldn't take that chance of opening her eyes. "How could you let this happen. You're better than this, better than a rookie mistake."

"I told you. I thought I heard Hoyt..."

"I know what you told me, Rizzoli. Tell me what happened." Thomas was intentionally pissing Jane off and despite the intense throbbing behind her eyes, Jane called him on it.

"I was shot in the line of duty chasing down a suspect. I made a rookie mistake and I was damned lucky it was me and not my partner who's safety I am personally responsible for." Jane wanted to open her eyes, but the cool breeze against her skin told her they were still en route to the operating room.

"You feeling lucky right now, Rizzoli?" the aggravation and irritation in Thomas' voice mirrored the sarcastic reply that had proceeded it.

"No, sir." Jane realized she was out of line and apologized with the change of tone. "I'm scared."

"As well you should be. The doctors are not very optimistic about your chances for survival." Thomas spoke matter of fact, never one to sugarcoat anything as far as Jane remembered.

Jane chanced a peek at Thomas only to see red and feel the burning heat in her head intensify even more. She remembered exactly what happened. How she stayed high while Frost went low. How gunfire erupted immediately on entering the house. How she never saw the shooter, only complete darkness as she felt her entire body slam onto the hard, cold floor beneath her. It had been a good tip, one that panned out right away and they were able to quickly locate the twenty year old murder suspect within a few hours. She could hear Frost screaming for help right before a series of gunshots silenced the chaos. She then heard the younger detective, her partner, speaking directly to her. His voice was soothing, his breath on her face comforting. His words shook as he talked to her. Jane remembered learning that in the academy. Always talk to your fallen partner for it is your voice they need to hear. You're the one that was there, you're the one that knows what's going on and you're the one that will protect them.

"Jane? Where'd you go?" Thomas was close and for a second she thought she could feel his breath on her face when he spoke.

"Frost. He's a good detective. Solid. Good cop instincts and so very smart." Jane spoke slowly and softly. She realized how much more control she had when she did that.

"He's falling apart right now. Blames himself."

"No. No, he didn't do anything wrong. I let him down. I let him down." Jane's voice trailed off with her last statement.

"Eyes wide open, Detective. It's time." Thomas' order was followed immediately as the trust Jane had in this man was very much her life line at this point. Jane knew this, and she accepted it. "I need you to come with me. There's no need to be here. These things can take hours sometimes."

Jane followed Thomas with her eyes, confusion clouding everything she was able to see. "Sir?"

"Get up, Rizzoli." Jane trusted Thomas but was afraid to move. She could see the doctors approaching with their masked faces, their eyes full of concern and apprehension. "Now!"

Jane forced her body into a sitting position, her eyes immediately finding Tom's who was waiting for her by the door exiting the operating room. She braced for but was pleasantly surprised at the absence of the severe pain that had been her constant.

"You got some time, feels good doesn't it?" Thomas laughed as Jane realized she was pain free. "Come on."

Jane placed her feet on the floor and despite feeling no pain, she felt her body adjust to a standing position. She looked down at her gown, deciding to remove it. Wherever they were headed, Jane figured dress casual would be best. She smiled at her favorite jeans and red sox jersey. "Are we going to Fenway?"

"You wish. Nah, we're going to go pay a visit to your brother." Jane's smile faded with Thomas' answer.

"Is he okay?"

"Are you?" Jane cringed at the implication that Frankie was suffering because of her, her decision, her mistake. They were so close and she was so proud of him, yet sometimes the fear of him getting injured in the field scared her more than she would even admit to herself.

Jane walked beside Thomas as they made their way to the quiet hospital cafeteria. It was kept dim and there were only a handful of people sitting quietly, most sipping coffee or some kind of drink. Jane took a moment to take in these people, noticing the concern and even the grief that seemed to make them all oblivious to arrival of the two detectives. She didn't recognize any of them and wondered why Thomas decided to go there instead of wherever Frankie was. It was after midnight and Jane wondered if he had decided to go home for some rest. She doubted she would leave if it were her brother instead of her in surgery fighting for his life. As if simply her presence would be that little extra strength he would need to survive.

Thomas motioned to a small table in the back of the cafeteria. Jane took at seat, waiting for Thomas to explain, knowing it wouldn't benefit her to ask. He took a seat himself across from Jane letting his eyes search her face. "Homicide is tough, isn't it?"

"Can be." Jane answered quickly, Thomas didn't like his officers to think too much when he spoke to them. He was a firm believer that good cop instinct was just as valuable as his gun. A quick answer often was the result of a first thought and that was the instinct Thomas was looking for.

"Why?"

"Rarely ever a happy ending."

"Why do you do it then?" Thomas smiled as Jane caught on to his game. He liked that she remembered him and how he worked with her to reign in the intense energy that he was sure would be a detriment to her career eventually. Instead it became the driving force that propelled Jane Rizzoli to the rank of detective. A Boston homicide detective at that.

"Justice for the victim. Closure for the family." Jane knew why she fought what was obviously a winless war. She couldn't see herself doing anything else.

"You'll never win. Every murderer you put away, spawns two more if not more." Thomas studied Jane's eyes as she searched his. "They will always outnumber us and it's even harder when good cops go bad."

Jane knew Thomas was setting the scene and followed his eyes as they shifted to where Frankie slowly made his way into the cafeteria. He looked exhausted and as if he would drop, yet still he propelled himself forward. He stopped by the vending machine where he spent a long few minutes without making a decision. Jane watched as he slammed his hand against the hard plastic on the front of the machine, thankful for the give in the material. Frankie's frustration would've given way to a possible hand injury had it not been for the flexible plastic as he found a small, temporary release.

"Danny Clark was in my class at the academy." Jane returned her eyes briefly to Thomas before looking for Frankie again who had slumped down against the far wall opting to forgo the chair that was just a few feet from him.

"Bobby a few years before you two." Jane's eyes shot back to Thomas at the mention of Danny's partner. Thomas was well aware of what happened that day at the precinct and his eyes narrowed when Jane's widened at his comment. Thomas watched Jane as she once again turned her attention to Frankie.

"You remember well, don't you Jane."

"Everything. I remember everything." Jane wished she had a cup of coffee. Anything to hold as her hands needed something to focus on. Instead she wrung them together, refusing to rub the scars that often itched incessively when she was coming unglued.

"_It's bad, isn't it?"_

"_Massive blunt force trauma caused internal bleeding. It's worse than bad."_

Jane kept her eyes trained on her hands, not wanting to show Thomas how much she really remembered. How the fear and panic far outweighed her memories of the events of that day.

"You were scared to death." Thomas tried but was unsuccessful at pulling Jane's attention to him.

"_The integrity of his chest wall's been breached by a broken rib. We've got to get him to a hospital."_

"_No. No. He looks better. He looks better."_

"_No, not for long. I think he has a partial tear in one of his lungs, maybe other internal organs."_

"_Which...which means what?"_

"_It means he needs surgery."_

"_How soon?"_

"_Now!"_

Jane looked up at Thomas to find him staring at her as the emotions from her memories flooded her features. "I thought he was going to die. He was wearing his vest, but that didn't matter."

"I wonder if he's experiencing any of those feelings you did that day." Thomas motioned for Jane to go to Frankie. "He won't see you."

"Can I touch him?" Jane stood trying to understand where exactly she was. If she was alive, if she was dead. If it mattered either way at this particular moment.

"If you need to." Jane wasn't sure she understood his answer but crossed the cafeteria anyway until she was standing directly in front of her brother. He sat on the floor against the wall holding his head in his hands and the sight was enough to make Jane's heart jump. She sat down next to him allowing her shoulder to align up against his. She felt Frankie's strong body straighten to adjust to the contact as he seemed to accept the added weight. The was no recognition otherwise and Jane felt the slight frustration that resulted from Frankie not knowing she was there with him.

"_What's happening?"_

"_His lung is filling up with blood."_

"_Well how do we stop it?"_

"_We can't. We need a trauma center. I don't have equipment for this."_

"_But you helped him before."_

"_The problem is in his heart right now, Jane. Okay, there's too much pressure from the bleeding. His heart can't pump."_

"_Please don't let him die, Maura. Please."_

Jane could feel the tears as they slid down her face. She reached for Frankie's hand, disappointed at the lack of reaction from him.

"Why can't he feel me touching him. I can feel him." Jane spoke not even looking up as Thomas approached.

"Not sure." Thomas took a seat on the other side of Jane. He let his shoulder align with hers, smiling at the fact that she was instantly aware of the contact. "Do you feel me?"

Jane shook her head, growing increasingly frustrated. "Tom, am I dead? I must be because Frankie would know I was here with him." Jane wiped the tears that were now flowing from her little brother's face without any reaction from him at all to her actions.

"No, I haven't heard that." Thomas watched with curiosity at the way Jane cared for her sibling.

"Are you?"

"I haven't heard that either." Thomas' voice was kept low, almost whisper like and that alone drew Jane's full attention. "Death is a funny thing. You either defy it or accept it. There's not a whole lot of in between despite what some people think."

Jane turned her attention back to Frankie. Her confusion threatened to be overwhelming and Jane knew Frankie needed her right now.

"_We can't get him out of here. Okay, what can you do, right now, that will help him?"_

"_I don't know! I don't know what more I can do with what I have."_

"_Okay, he's going to die, right here, on this table if you don't do something. Think!"_

"_Okay. Okay."_

"_You're the only one who can save him."_

"I pushed Maura to save Frankie that day. I pushed her and demanded that she do something to save him. She was right, she didn't have the equipment necessary, but still she did whatever she could to save him." Jane looked at Thomas after she finished speaking. "She saved my brother's life that day."

"I'm willing to bet she would've done the same for you had she been on scene today. Uh, yesterday, sorry." Thomas stood to change his position. He took a seat on the floor next to Frankie causing Jane to question with her eyes his decision to move. She watched as Frankie adjusted as if he had been bumped. Thomas smiled at Jane as he had indeed bumped Frankie. "I think he felt me."

"I'm glad she wasn't. I wouldn't have wanted her to see that." Jane touched Frankie's arm, once again disappointed to no reaction.

"Come on, Rizzoli. She was there that day, in front of the precinct when you shot yourself. She saw it all and has not forgotten any of it." Thomas had read about Rizzoli heroics that day and how she defied death then just to end up facing it once again now.

"_Bobby, please! This is over. Please!"_

"_Take out your keys."_

"_Please! Frankie is bleeding. Please!"_

"_Take out your keys!"_

"_Shoot him! Just shoot him!"_

"_Put your guns down or she's dead!"_

"_No! Don't! Frankie's bleeding, there's no time!"_

"_Your brother's probably already dead."_

"_No!"_

Jane's voice from that day echoed in her head. She didn't remember the pain of the bullet as it entered her. She only knew that she felt she had no choice. Frankie was going to die if he didn't get to the hospital. There would be no time for negotiations with Bobby. She remembered the silent world that surrounded her as Bobby fell to the ground directly underneath her. She opened her eyes to see Maura approaching. She couldn't hear her, but she could see her and the sight was too much. Jane waited until Maura was kneeling down, her face only inches from her own. It was the feel of Maura's hands on her wound that gave Jane the unspoken permission to relax. She trusted Maura to save her like she had trusted her to save Frankie.

"Come on, Jane. I think it's time." Thomas stood in unison with Frankie who's attention was focused on the commotion in the hallway just outside the cafeteria. Jane stood as well, watching Thomas carefully.

"What's going on, Tom?" Jane hung back as Thomas walked side by side with Frankie to investigate. She watched as Frankie dropped his head before leaving the cafeteria and her sight. "Tom?"

"It seems one of the injured officers from yesterday has just passed." Thomas hung his head, refusing to look up at Jane.

Jane didn't know any other officer had been injured, but then how would she.

"Sit tight, Rizzoli. Do not leave, I will be right back." Thomas left the cafeteria without so much as a glance toward Jane.

Jane sat down at the table she was at originally and tried to remember the events of the shooting. Who was there, who wasn't. It all went down so fast, it was hard to remember who was inside, who was outside. She closed her eyes, thankful there was no physical pain, but anxious about the emotional toll losing on of their own always carried.

It seemed like forever but finally Thomas returned. He took his seat across from Jane, where he folded his hands in front of his body and gently rested them on the table between them. "Who was it?" Jane didn't want to know, but felt compelled to ask.

"Thomas O'Malley."


	8. Chapter 8

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 8

I don't own R and I.

**A/N: What do you do when fear is killing you?**

Jane stared at Thomas, waiting, wondering if he was going to explain. She watched as he took his time, his breathing slow and controlled; his movements minimal. She would wait until he was ready, time really was not of the essence suddenly.

"I told you I never lost a charge. That is a very important statistic to me, Rizzoli." Thomas looked up then, letting his gaze matched Jane's. "We were never going to win this war, but still we fought it."

"Tom, you were in that house. You were undercover?" Jane was quickly putting the pieces together.

"I was."

"Your kid is dead. The one that shot you." Thomas looked away for a brief moment before turning his full attention to Jane's face. "I got him."

"How could we not know? Why weren't we informed that we had MOS on scene?" Jane pushed back in her chair so that she was quickly on her feet. She began a face pacing that only agitated her more. "None of this should've happened. Where was the breakdown. Dammit!"

"You're intense, Rizzoli. Always liked that about you. I always knew if you channeled that correctly, you would definitely be a force." Thomas chuckled softly. "A force on the force. How about that?"

Jane's pacing came to halt with Thomas words. She found herself looking at him, really taking him in. "What happened, Tom?"

"Do you not know, or do you not remember. Makes a difference." Thomas leaned back in his chair, lifting his legs up onto the table with ease. He stretched his arms upright until he let them fall back down to his side.

"I don't know." Jane's voice was rusty and raw and she suddenly felt fatigued. She let herself fall back down into the chair across from Thomas. She watched as he studied her and wondered what it was he was looking for. "Were you shot?"

"Yes." Thomas stood, slowly pulling his neatly tucked shirt from his pants. "So were you."

"Yeah, nasty head wound." Jane's eyes stared at the damage to Thomas' abdomen. "40 caliber?"

"Yes. Same as you." Thomas motioned toward Jane's abdomen causing her to slowly move her hand to cover where she had shot herself.

"_You know, it's possible it's taking you longer to heal because of your attitude."_

"_A 40 caliber bullet went through me, Maura. My attitude isn't faking that."_

"_Your not faking anything. You had a life threatening injury. But your strong, healthy. Something's gotten in the way of your healing."_

"_Ow! Will you please stop doing that?"_

"_I just wish I knew what was causing that pain."_

"_Again, I'm going with the 40 caliber bullet."_

Jane could almost hear Maura's voice as she remembered that day, the pain, the slow, frustrating recovery. She pulled her hand away from her body then when she realized Thomas motioning for her to check her other side.

"It was a through and through for me, usually the best case scenario. Not so this time." Thomas watched Jane as she let her fingers feel the bandage that was firmly in place just above her left hip. "It was more of a grazing wound for you."

Jane looked up at Thomas with such alarm that he was quick to be by her side. He gently guided her to sit back down. "Please, Tom. Please tell me what happened."

"I will. You know how cops hate it when they have to attend funerals for a fallen comrade. The blues come out; many of us haven't been in a uniform in years. Doubt mine would even come close to fitting now." Thomas was none too subtle as he pulled Jane's head from the house where the shootings took place.

"Mine fits. Makes me look like a man." Jane accepted that Thomas would give her what she needed when she needed it and it really served her no good to try to alter his course at all.

"_Put this on."_

"_Makes me look like a man."_

"_We can do this the easy way or the hard way."_

"_I'm not a hero, Maura. Shooting myself is not heroic."_

"_The people of Boston think it is."_

"_Eight people died. I don't want a medal for that."_

"_Five of them were bad guys, Jane."_

"_Whatever."_

"_This ceremony isn't for you. This is...this is for your fellow officers, and your parents, and your community. You're a symbol. You are a heroic, flesh and blood reminder of the thin, blue line."_

"_That's good. You almost had me."_

"_Okay. The hard way."_

"It took a lot for you to get back from that incident, didn't it?" Thomas knew where Jane's mind had wandered to and he waited patiently for her to continue to put the pieces together now.

"Maura was definitely instrumental to my recovery." Jane kept her eyes off of Thomas, hoping she would be able to recall what had happened to her; to him; to them. "Sometimes, I question if I ever really made it back."

"_When have you ever seen me not able to step up?"_

"_The most powerful force of nature is not a nuclear weapon."_

"_When I talk, do you hear blah, blah, blah, Maura, blah, blah, blah."_

"_It's thoughts. That's the most powerful force, your thoughts."_

"_This job used to take my mind off everything. It's like I'm not who I am anymore."_

Thomas tugged gently on Jane's arm. "Come on, let's walk."

Jane questioned with her eyes, staying silent with her thoughts. She realized now that Thomas had died in the house that she had been so wounded in yesterday. Yet, he was here with her, walking and talking and forcing her to define her life, question her career. She walked silently beside him, watching him as he watched the lights on the elevator light up with each floor they passed.

When the doors opened, Jane was at a loss as to why they exited the elevator at the maternity ward. She trusted Thomas, but he was confusing her and hard as she tried she had to push. "Why maternity, Tom?"

"I like babies. Do you like babies, Jane?"

"I do."

"Plan on having any?" Thomas watched her out of the corner of his eye, all the while smiling at the newborns through the glass.

"Someday, I hope." Jane took a chance and spit out a question that she wished she could take back. "Plan on being its guardian angel?"

"Don't have to be dead for that." Thomas pulled Jane away from the glass. "Are you afraid of dying, Jane?"

Jane didn't answer, knowing an impatient Thomas would call her on it.

"You don't go about your life, your work, your cases as if you're afraid. I dare say you're fearless." Thomas encouraged Jane to walk with him.

"Fearless equals careless. I am not careless. There's a purpose to my every action." Jane liked the strength that was suddenly present in her voice and she dared Thomas to challenge her.

"Mine too." Thomas pulled Jane onto the elevator, daring her to ask where they were headed. She didn't. She didn't ask why the roof either when he held the door open for her.

"Tom, am I dead?" Jane wanted a straight answer and she hoped Thomas would give it.

"I haven't heard that." He didn't.

"You are though. Isn't that what you said."

"Yes, that is what I said." Thomas watched the wind as it blew Jane's hair into and then out of her face in a steady rhythm. He was curious as to why she didn't try to keep it out of her face, but didn't ask.

"Please tell me what happened." Jane hated that her voice wavered. She hated the pained look in Thomas' eyes. She hated that she was threatening his stats. She would be the only charge he lost if she should die.

"You're such an incredible cop. It's because you care so damn much." Thomas let out a long sigh before letting Jane interrupt.

"Maybe too much."

"Can't care too much." Thomas lifted his shirt again. This time Jane saw no signs of injury. He motioned for her to lift her own shirt, understanding her hesitance to do so.

"I was shot twice?" Jane's question was presented more as a statement. "How many others were shot?"

"Just us, Jane." Thomas motioned again for her to lift her shirt, this time Jane followed the order of her one time supervisor. The blood from her wound barely visable beneath the bandages that protected it. "Well us and your kid."

Jane's breathing picked up a bit as she was beginning to understand more of what happened. "I never saw you, but you got the through and through and I got the grazing wound. We were shot with the same bullet."

"Initially, yes." Thomas once again tucked his shirt in and watched as Jane did the same, her clothes the last thing she was thinking about.

"I lost sight of Frost. When I turned back around I couldn't see him." Jane let her eyes find Thomas'. "Then I couldn't see anything."

Thomas took a few steps closer to Jane, giving her time to step away. When she didn't, he placed his hand on her face, watching as she questioned him with her eyes. "I've never lost a charge. I didn't know why our paths crossed liked they did yesterday, but it really is very clear now."

Jane felt tears threatening and she felt herself turning into Thomas' touch. "Why do you touch me like this? How is it I can feel you if you're...if you're...gone."

"You lost focus, Jane. Rookie mistake, perhaps. Maybe not a mistake at all. Yes, I took that bullet for you, but I couldn't know it was you, not at first." Thomas gently pulled his other hand up so that it rested on Jane's other cheek. She was forced to look into his eyes and it pained her to see the sadness that washed out the color he once had in them.

"When did you know?" Jane watched as Thomas' eyes began to grow dark, still absent of any color, any hope, any life.

"When I heard another gunshot and felt your body land hard on the floor just inches from my own." Thomas removed his hands and Jane suddenly felt the distance Thomas was creating. "I knew then that I failed you. I took that bullet hoping to save your life; my record."

Jane took as many steps toward Thomas as he took back. "You didn't fail me. How could you say that?"

Thomas hung his head, holding up his hand to stop Jane from approaching. "I was dead before we ever were taken out of that house, Jane. I knew I wouldn't survive despite the best efforts of the doctors here. I am here now to help you."

Jane could feel her legs growing weaker and weaker. "What do you do when fear is killing you?"

"Are you afraid of fear?" Thomas smiled when he asked what he expected would be an unanswerable question. "You answer that and then you'll know what to do."


	9. Chapter 9

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 9

I don't own R and I.

_**There's a lot of mythology associated with left-handedness that might trigger something in a sociopath. The devil is often portrayed as being left handed.- Dr. Maura Isles**_

The wind was cool as it blew across the hospital roof. Jane watched the sun as it forced its way up over the horizon, she rarely took the time to notice such miracles. She let her head fall back against the building, allowing the arriving warmth to relax her mind, her body and even her soul.

"How long are you going to sit here like that?" Thomas stood off to the side studying the fallen detective.

"As long as I can. I like it, feels good." Jane didn't open her eyes, she could hear that Thomas was close by and right now that was comfort enough.

"Open your eyes, Detective." Thomas' slight nudge forced Jane to do as ordered. "Eyes wide open...always."

The irritated glare Jane greeted Thomas with made him smirk. He stood in front of Jane, encouraging her to look up at him.

"Tom, what is going on? Please tell me. I feel very lost right now." Jane shielded her eyes as she suddenly was looking into the sun, losing sight of Thomas O'Malley.

Thomas offered his hand, waiting patiently for Jane to take it before helping her rise to her full height. "I remember you as taller. Amazing how easily tragedy can take from a person."

Jane forced herself to stand straight, her head only slightly reminding her why she was standing on the hospital roof in the early morning hours. "Please tell me something."

Thomas studied Jane through her eyes while he contemplated on how to answer. "You were shot, Jane. We've been over this."

The frustration that instantly flooded Jane forced her to walk away from Thomas. She was so confused and Thomas insisted on keeping her guessing. Why was he doing this? She turned and marched back toward Thomas. "I want to know. I need to know. Am I dead?" Anger colored Jane's words and Thomas smiled in spite of her emotion.

"I haven't heard that, Jane." Thomas kept his position, refusing to back away from the frustration that flowed from his student.

"Why, Tom. Why are you doing this to me?" Jane gave in to her fear, her frustration, her anger. Her voice was anything but strong, but she refused to let Thomas see her cry. Jane pulled her hands up to her head in a way to compose herself. She quickly dropped her hands at Thomas' request.

"No, no. Leave your head alone, Jane. It's very important not to touch your head right now." Thomas gently took Jane by the arm and led her to the door leading from the roof.

Jane watched Thomas as he walked with a purpose, forcing her to do the same. She stood alone while he paced back and forth in front of her, shooting her heated glances several times while he walked. "I'm sorry, Tom. I was out of line. I just..."

"Rizzoli, you have always frustrated me. You push and push until you get the answers you want, the answers you need. I respect that, but you piss me off sometimes." Thomas was angry and this confused Jane.

Jane stood inside the quiet hospital corridor. She needed answers yes, but she also realized she would have to trust Thomas. He said he was here to help her.

"Just trust me, Rizzoli. Can you do that?"

"Yes, sir."

"Okay." Thomas run his hands through his hair, letting them stop on either side of his head. Jane raised her hands to do the same but was stopped by Thomas stern warning. "No!"

Jane instantly dropped her hands, only then to nervously fold her arms across her chest.

"You were shot in the head after being shot in the abdomen. The shot you took in the gut was from the bullet that ultimately killed me. Following, Rizzoli?"

Jane's slight nod caused Thomas to pause, his expression yet another warning. "Yes, sir."

"The shot to the head was a kill shot. Your kid intentionally tried to kill you." Thomas took a few steps toward Jane so that he was close to her face, almost daring her to turn away. She didn't. "You want answers, I get that. I have them, but you have to slow down right now. Understand?"

"Yes, sir."

"You're still in surgery? It's not going good, it's been hours now. You're quite the fighter, I'll give you that much." Thomas waited, his eyes giving Jane permission to ask what she needed to.

"Tom, I don't want to die." Jane forfeited her questions, instead opting to trust her mentor.

Thomas' eyes softened at the vulnerability in Jane's voice. "Walk with me, Rizzoli. I have some questions for you now." Thomas walked away wondering how long Jane would watch him until she hurried to catch up. It wasn't long; he didn't expect she'd let him get too far.

The sounds of their footsteps against the colorless carpet leading into the waiting room seemed loud making Jane want to slow her pace as to not disturb the quiet they entered into. Thomas stopped, encouraging Jane to do the same as he held his hand up in front of her. He watched as her eyes scanned the people that were gathered. He smiled as he noticed her eyes stop when they found Dr. Isles.

"She's okay, Jane. Exhausted, emotionally, physically, but she's holding it together." Thomas nudged her to get her to look at him. "She's a strong woman, I can see that."

"Yeah. Yeah she is." Jane took a step forward, wanting to go to Maura.

"No, no." Thomas' warning tone frustrated Jane once again. "Tell me about him." Thomas pointed toward the corner of the waiting room where Dan Mateo sat alone, his head leaning against the wall, his eyes closed.

Jane locked her eyes on Dan wondering why he was covered in so much blood. "That's Dan Mateo. He was my partner early in my career. Transferred to the DCU."

"I know." Thomas' tone told Jane that he knew exactly who Dan was and why he looked the way he did. "He was there, Jane. That's your blood all over him."

Jane's eyes shot up to Thomas'. She didn't ask her question, instead waited for more of an explanation.

"I heard about it all Jane. How you found his little girl for him. How you gave him that chance to get his family back together. How you were there for him when he needed you." Thomas rocked back and forth on his feet allowing Jane to stare at her former partner. She could tell he wasn't sleeping although his eyes were shut tight.

"_Blaming Nicole isn't gonna get your daughter back."_

"_Where is she? What do you know?"_

"_We got a description on the car and ...it's a man and a woman."_

"_Jack and Jill! Jane, we're not gonna get her back!"_

"_Stop it!" Yes we will. Alright. Dan! We will find her."_

"_Three hours! Three hours is the average for abducted kids. We don't find her in three hours, she's dead."_

"_Alright. You let me do my job. You concentrate on taking care of Joey and Nicole."_

"It was awful. The thought of what might have happened to that beautiful child." Jane's eyes were fixated on Dan. "He was involved in the shooting?"

"Undercover with me. Your case crossed with ours. We were close and it seems you and Frost were closer. Ironic? Maybe." Thomas took a few steps away from Jane then. "Dan is a good cop, Jane.

"_Hey, what are you doing?"_

"_Eliminating Dan as a suspect."_

"_You think Dan snatched his own kid?"_

"_Parents are in the middle of a custody battle. I think we need to make sure Dan didn't have anything to do with his daughter's disappear."_

"_Korsak, we worked undercover with Dan for two years, how could you possibly think he could have anything to do with this?"_

"_I want to find Mandy as badly as you do, but we gotta think like cops not like his friends. We gotta rule him out, Jane, and until we do, he's a suspect."_

"He's a good father too." Jane took a few steps toward Dan, looking back at Thomas as if asking for permission. She continued until she was able to take the empty chair next to her former partner. "It was horrible. Dan was so worried, we all were."

"_I've arrested hundreds of male sexual offenders. I'm not saying I understand that, but what I can't ever get my head around is how a woman could help do this to someone."_

"_Well, you have to look at the women as victims too. They're typically very damaged people, ripe for abuse."_

"_And the abused becomes the abuser."_

"_Exactly."_

Thomas took a seat on the other side of Dan, his eyes never leaving Jane. He waited until Jane shifted her gaze so that she was looking at him directly before speaking. "You two were close as partners?"

"Very. Frost and I are tight as well." Jane answered quickly. "This wasn't Frost's fault."

"Wasn't Dan's either." Thomas was just as quick.

"I know." Jane stood turning her body so that she was directly in front of Dan. "What would happen if I touched him?"

"It would be best if you didn't. Not right now, Jane." Thomas warned and Jane tried to understand.

"I wish I could let him know that I'll be okay." Jane knelt down, peering into Dan's face. She wanted to see his eyes, but he wouldn't show them. Not right now anyway.

"_You brought her back to me. To us."_

"_We all did."_

"_I'm never going to be able to thank you."_

"_Yes you can. Go back to your family."_

"_Thanks, partner."_

"Partners share a tight bond, I know. You never lose that bond, doesn't matter how many partners you have after." Thomas gently pulled Jane to her feet. "He feels very much the same way as Frost right now."

Jane looked over at Frost who was staring straight ahead at nothing. Kosak had stayed by the younger detective's side since arriving at the hospital and both men were beyond exhausted.

"Korsak and Frost were there with me when we took down Mandy's abductor. We all brought that little girl home. It took all of us, including Dan and Nicole and especially Joey." Jane smiled as she watched Korsak acting so out of character with Frost. "Maura was instrumental as well. She so often finds the missing piece for me."

Jane began to walk away from her partners at Thomas' lead. He stopped short when Maura changed her position as Jane approached. "Can she see me?" Jane's voice held a small amount of hope and Thomas wished he could give her something at this point.

"No, Jane. She can't see you." Thomas studied Jane carefully as she stared at Maura. "She feels you though."

Jane reached out to touch Maura only to change her mind at the last minute. "I need to tell her, Tom. I need to tell her, I'll be okay."

Thomas couldn't help but feel for both Jane and Maura as he watched Jane struggle. "Don't do it, Rizzoli."

Jane ignored Thomas and raised her hand again, this time reaching for Maura's. The tears formed quickly when there was no reaction from Maura. "Maura!"

Thomas' grasp on Jane's arm tightened, yet he was very gentle as he pulled her away from Maura. Jane watched the elevator doors close, leaving her and Thomas alone. "Dammit, Rizzoli."

Jane closed her eyes, feeling the tears behind her eyelids. She concentrated on her breathing, letting her lungs fill and deflate fully before starting again. "She couldn't feel me."

"I told you not to touch her." Thomas spoke with a certain amount of disappointment and Jane was quick to pick up on it.

"I just wanted to let her know. I hate that she is so worried, so scared right now. I want to protect her."

"Protect her from what, Rizzoli?" Thomas challenged Jane and the tone was enough to get Jane to open her eyes.

Jane stared at Thomas, not quite knowing how to answer him. She suddenly didn't care if Thomas saw her cry. Jane began to pull her hands up to her face, dropping then when she remembered Thomas' warning about touching her head.

"Relax, Rizzoli. Relax." Thomas used his thumb to carefully wipe away Jane's tears before pulling her into his chest. Jane resisted at first, but Thomas' hold only tightened until Jane relaxed.

"Tom?"

"No, Jane. You are not dead; I haven't heard that. You're still fighting...still feeling." Thomas stopped the elevator between floors. He knew Jane needed a breather and he was determined to do what he could to help her win this fight. "Stand down, Detective. Relax."


	10. Chapter 10

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 10

I don't own R and I.

**A/N: Fear-an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger and accompanied by increased autonomic activity.**

**Anxiety, dread, fearfulness, fright, horror, panic, scare, terror, trepidation...Hoyt.**

Thomas let his body slide down the wall of the elevator, hoping and then satisfied when Jane followed his lead. He straightened his legs more out of habit than need as the missing cartilage in his left knee no longer a nuisance. Jane once again mimicked his movements, all the while keeping her eyes trained on her former field training officer. The comfortable silence they shared was only slightly jeopardized by the sound of Jane's uneven breathing. Thomas watched Jane as she made a conscious effort to regulate each breath she took as if she were attempting to conserve.

"Don't do that." Thomas' words startled Jane despite the fact she maintained constant eye contact with him. "Breathe, Rizzoli."

"It's hot in here." Jane responded quickly, only to shake her head at the way she whined in front of Thomas O'Malley.

"How do you feel right now, Jane? Hurting?" Thomas let his head fall back against the wall, the constant way Rizzoli stared him down caused him to worry about where her thoughts were heading.

"Not feeling much of anything. Should I be hurting?"

"You said you were hot. Must be you're feeling something." Thomas smiled then and the confused look that instantly appeared on Jane's face forced Thomas to laugh out loud. "It's not hot in here, just a bit stuffy."

"How long are we going to sit here?" Jane was quickly growing impatient, but instantly regretted her question when Thomas glared at her for a long few moments.

"Why do you always wring your hands together when you're nervous? You're nervous, Rizzoli. There's no need right now to be concerned." Thomas watched carefully as Jane realized she was being called out for her nervous habit. "Must have hurt like a bitch."

Jane held her hands out to Thomas, slowly flipping them over after a few seconds. "Pain is often relevant, but yeah. Yeah, it hurt like a bitch."

"He scares you." Thomas watched as Jane lifted her eyes from her hands to meet his. "Fear is often disabling, paralyzing. Relevant."

Jane could feel her body begin to shake, just enough to wonder if Thomas noticed. "What are you afraid of Thomas? Anything?"

Thomas narrowed his eyes as he fielded Jane's question. He would answer her, she needed him to. "Dying. I was always afraid of dying." Thomas smiled when Jane did, neither finding his answer funny. "The physical doesn't compare to the mental; it rarely does anyway."

Jane resumed her staring, deciding to ask Thomas another question. "Does dying hurt, Tom?"

"You're not afraid of pain, Jane. You're afraid of fear and quite frankly, we all are." Thomas stood when there was no response. "Ready?"

Jane nodded, not wanting to know where they were headed. She could feel the cool air fill her lungs as soon as the elevator doors opened. Thomas may not have felt it, but it was hot in that elevator.

A few steps and Jane was made aware of Thomas' destination. "Is it time?"

"Doubt it." Thomas gently encouraged Jane to enter the operating room as the doors swung open upon their arrival. "Time is relevant as well, Jane."

Jane scanned the room, noticing the doctors and nurses, all hidden behind matching hats and masks. The machines, the noise and the constant communication between the living was all at once too much. Jane glanced back at Thomas who had taken up his usual stance, just inside the door. He offered her an encouraging nod which was just enough to make her return her attention back to the activity. She peered between two women, her eyes falling on her own body as it was completely covered save her head.

Jane backed away only to move to the other side of the bed hoping for a better look. Thomas was right, she had suffered a nasty head wound and the sight of it made her back away once again. She quickly made her way over to Thomas who didn't seemed surprised at her panic.

"Relax, Rizzoli. Relax." Thomas' voice helped but Jane could feel the pressure building in her chest. She started to raise her hands as her head began to hurt as well. "No. Don't touch your head."

Jane glared at Thomas until she realized his eyes were tracking a figure approaching them. The doctor, quite possibly a surgeon, clad in the uniformed gown, hat and mask made his way over to stand just off to the side of Jane. Jane wondered if he was aware of her presence as he seemed to position himself close enough to touch her, yet kept his distance to avoid doing so. "I smell lavender and fear. Hello, Jane."

Jane jumped, moving instinctively away from the doctor. She shot Thomas a quick glance, refusing to let her attention stray from Hoyt for too long. "What the hell? Thomas, it's him! This time, it's him!"

"_What the hell?"_

"_Your hands hurt, Jane?"_

"_A little. It's like it never happened."_

"_Well, as long as you're here, come closer. I have so much to tell you, Jane. So little time."_

Jane remembered when she last saw Hoyt, how she heard him before she saw him. Sensed him before she felt him. "What are you doing here?"

"Now, Jane. I could ask you the same thing." Hoyt kept his mask over his mouth only giving Jane his eyes. She would have to listen to him, to what he had to say to her. "I've missed you."

Jane closed her eyes against the voice that haunted her dreams, threatened her life and now paralyzed her with fear. Hoyt is dead, this she was sure of. How can he be here with her now? Jane glanced at Thomas who kept his eyes trained on the masked doctor, an expression mixed of curiosity and concern on his face.

"_Hoyt's dying and he told the guard he wants to see me."_

"_Do you think that's a good idea?"_

"_He says he's prepared to give up the names and burial sights of every person he's murdered."_

"_I'm going with you."_

"_Why?"_

"_Hoyt's on a massive dose of morphine. I might be able to help you navigate what's true and what's drug induced fantasy."_

Jane would give anything to have Maura here with her now. To help her make sense of everything; anything. Nothing made sense and she begged Thomas to explain. He refused to look at her, he refused to look away from the surgeon standing just to their left.

"Things aren't looking too good over there, Jane." Hoyt's voice was smooth, toxic in the same way she remembered. "I'm beginning to think you may not be as invincible as previously proven."

"It's not over. I'm still fighting. It's not over until I'm done." Jane's voice held a fabricated strength that clearly wasn't felt. Hoyt is dead, and so is Thomas. What did that mean for her? Maura mentioned a drug induced fantasy. Maybe.

"I saw you, Jane. I did, and I believe you saw me when you entered that house. You believed I was there, didn't you." Hoyt moved just a little closer, stopping when Jane stood her ground. "You were ready to fight me, leaving your partner hanging. Not good, Jane."

"_Why doesn't she ever talk to me about it?"_

"_What Hoyt did to her...you can't talk about. Just leave it alone, Frost."_

"_You were with her when it happened. She's my partner too, Korsak. You see what it does to her. I can't help her if she won't talk to me."_

"_The only thing that's gonna help her is to shovel dirt on that bastard's grave."_

"Frost is okay. He'll be okay." Jane then did take a step back, closer to Thomas who had yet to change his position. "I'll be okay. I made a mistake is all, but I'm not done, Hoyt."

Hoyt laughed out loud as he removed his mask. Jane noticed the damage she had caused to his face was still very much present. "I'd say you definitely screwed the pooch on this one, Jane."

"We got him. Thomas got him." Jane watched as Hoyt suddenly realized they had company, letting his gaze fall onto the older man.

"Poor bastard. You got him killed, Jane." Hoyt transferred his attention back to Jane. "You dream of me constantly because I am in there." Hoyt raised his hand toward Jane's head knowing she would instinctively dodge his advance.

Jane kept her eyes on Hoyt, his words the biggest threat. He smiled when she refused to let him touch her. "I don't dream of you. I hardly think of you."

"I'm in your head, Jane." Hoyt dismissed Jane's lies. "You're in my heart. I told you I would take you with me and you know that I am a man of my word."

"_I'm dying and I want company. I think I'm gonna take you and Dr. Isles with me."_

"_No!"_

"_I win, Jane."_

"_Hoyt, don't you touch her!"_

"_You're gonna feel a little pinch doctor."_

"_No! Stop it!"_

Hoyt watched as Jane let her eyes fall on her lifeless body on the operating table. The doctors and nurses seemed to be working at a frantic pace which only caused Jane's heart to beat against her chest faster, harder.

"How is the good doctor these days?" Hoyt's reference to Maura immediately got Jane's attention.

"Don't you even ask about her." Jane was suddenly angry, ready, protective.

"I'm in your head, Jane. I know what makes you fight. I like a challenge and you were always such a good, worthy opponent." Hoyt replaced his mask, straightened his hat and retied his gown.

"I killed you. I won."

"Did you?" Hoyt's eyes smiled as he watched Jane question everything she thought to be real.

"_Jane. Jane, come closer. I have more bad things to tell you."_

"_I'm here."_

"_Get him off me!"_

"_Happy Birthday, Jane. I was so hoping you were smart enough to put together my clues. Was it fun? Like a murder treasure hunt?"_

"_I should've killed you when I had the chance."_

"_Yeah. You should've."_

"Coming, Jane?" Hoyt made his way to the door, waiting patiently for Thomas to step aside. Hoyt ignored her question as he made his way out into the empty hospital hallways.

Jane begged Thomas to help her, the look on her face only proving that Jane's fear could quite possibly be fatal if not faced. "Go!"

Jane moved at Thomas' command, catching Hoyt in only a few strides. How she wished she had her gun, her hand itching to grab for it. Jane knew where they were headed, her instincts still intact as she quickly stepped in front of Hoyt, stopping his progress. "Don't you touch her."

"Why Jane. I couldn't possibly harm her. Not like you think. She won't even know I'm there."

"I mean it, Hoyt. Don't go near her." Jane refused to move, daring Hoyt to challenge her. And he did.

Jane worked to catch her breath as she struggled to get to her feet. There was no move to defend against, Jane's training was useless as Hoyt simply walked through her on his way to the waiting room where Maura was still waiting for word on Jane. "Hoyt!"

Maura was staring out the window, her back to Charles Hoyt as he slowly approached her. He reached out, letting his fingers lightly touch Maura's hair. Jane could feel the pressure building in her head as she saw Hoyt reaching for Maura. She was running now, Maura needed her.

Thomas' was instantly in front of Jane, his strong hands holding her by the shoulders. She could feel his grasp on her was tight and this confused her. "He's going to hurt her!"

"Is that what you're afraid of?" Thomas kept his voice low and controlled. "You're not afraid of him hurting you are you, Jane? You're not afraid of your own pain."

"Help her! Thomas, please." Jane was beginning to panic and this only encouraged Thomas.

"Rizzoli! Listen to me!" Thomas' voice wasn't loud, but stern as the tone immediately caused Jane to become very still. "You are his opponent. It is you he needs to beat. Yes, you won before, but it's a new game now." Thomas glanced over his shoulder at Maura.

"I don't know how to play this game, Tom. I don't know how to fight him like this." Jane's voice was laced with panic as she watched Hoyt as she let his hand slide down Maura's back, onto her hip.

"Don't fight him, Rizzoli. He is not your opponent right now." Thomas placed his hand against the side of Jane's face. She immediately calmed at the touch. "Feel that?"

"Yes, sir."

"Maura can't feel him. Look at her, Jane. She's not reacting to his touch." Thomas stared into Jane's eyes, watching carefully as the realization became clear. "Fear controls everybody in some way. Dr. Isles is scared to death right now. No pun intended."

Jane shook her head, dismissing Thomas' theory. "I'm not afraid of him. I don't want him to hurt her is all."

"You are, Jane. You are afraid he will hurt her, like he has you. Don't let him do that." Thomas stepped aside giving Jane a clear path toward Hoyt. She stood still, pleading with Thomas for answers, directions, commands. She let out a frustrated breath as Thomas kept his eyes on Hoyt, refusing to look at Jane. "Go!"

Jane slowly approached Maura, surprised to see her turn to face her. "Maura?"

"Jane, Jane, Jane. She can't hear you. That's the beauty of all of this." Hoyt moved his position with Maura so that he was still behind her, almost as if using her as a shield against Jane.

Jane's heart dropped a bit when she realized Hoyt was correct. She could see the pure exhaustion that consumed Maura and the guilt Jane felt because of it nearly caused her to turn away. The fear that Maura also displayed made it impossible for Jane to leave her.

"She can't feel you either." Hoyt laughed as he lowered his lips to her shoulder, slowly making his way up to her neck.

Jane fought the anger at the sight. She fought against it until she realized Maura wasn't reacting to his touch either. "She can't feel you touching her."

"She doesn't have to Jane. I live within her as well. She fears me, alive or dead. Very much like you do." Hoyt let his hands slide down the length of Maura's arms. "I wish I had more time, Jane. This is one that I would've like to try on."

Jane's vision blurred against the image Hoyt projected on her. She took a few steps closer to Maura, fighting against the motion of Hoyt behind her. Jane held her hand up, unsure as to whether or not to try to touch Maura. Jane placed a shaking hand against Maura's cheek, much the same way Thomas did for her.

"Do your hands hurt, Jane?" Hoyt stopped his movements, suddenly interested in what Jane was doing.

"No." Jane brought her other hand up to also place it on Maura's face, praying she would know she was there.

"You're dead, Jane, and Dr. Isles is very much alive." Hoyt stepped out from behind Maura, watching the interaction between the two women.

Jane ignored Hoyt's comments, instead focusing on Maura's eyes. She could feel Maura as she reacted to her touch, her breathing slowed, her fear fading. Jane nearly jumped when Maura brought her hands up to grasp Jane's. Jane refused to close her eyes, she had to see if Maura knew she was there. "She feels me. I'm not done, Hoyt." Jane glanced to her left, only slightly surprised to see Hoyt gone.

"Let her go, Jane." Thomas' words were almost whispered as he replaced Hoyt.

"I can't. She needs me." Jane stared into Maura's yes, refusing to remove her hands.

"You're not done. There still more fighting. Let's go." Thomas gently tugged on Jane's arm quickly growing agitated when Jane ignored him. "Now, Rizzoli!"

Jane reluctantly pulled away from Maura, surprised to see her take two steps toward her. It was then that Jane noticed the doctor approaching Maura, still in his operating gown and hat. He held his mask allowing Jane to see that it was not Hoyt that was approaching them.

"Rizzoli." Thomas' tone was filled with warning as he pulled on Jane's arm again.

"He's got news for Maura. I want to know what he's going to tell her." Jane shook Thomas's hand from her arm.

"No, Jane. You don't." Thomas pulled Jane away from Maura just as the doctor addressed her. He didn't stop pulling until they were once again in the elevator. Jane was angry, so angry and she didn't care that her actions were causing her head to pound, to scream at her to stop.

Thomas stood silently, patiently waiting for Jane to finish her fit. It was when she sunk to the floor, nearly touching her head with her hands that Thomas realized she was done. "Intense, Rizzoli. I have always like that about you."

"Why wouldn't you let me hear what the doctor had to say. It's not good is it, Tom. I didn't make it, did I? Please, tell me." Jane refused to cry, but her emotions were overwhelming at best.

"You're right, Rizzoli. It definitely is hot in here." Thomas refused to answer Jane's questions and this earned him a death glare from Rizzoli.

Thomas carefully studied Jane as she let her head fall into her hands. He didn't warn her not to touch her head, she was well aware of the dangers of that by now. He didn't tell her to relax, to breathe for she also was aware of the need for control. He simply let her be, letting her control the rest of this war.

Jane wiped the tears that had soaked her face. Her dark eyes only reflected the image of Thomas watching her. "Tom? Am I dead?"

"No, Rizzoli. I haven't heard that."


	11. Chapter 11

The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 11

I don't own R and I.

**A/N: The relationships we have with other people are projections of the relationships we have within ourselves. Our external relationships and our internal relationships are in fact the same relationships. They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses.**

**Hold unconditional love in your consciousness and you'll see it in your reality.**

The silence was as suffocating as the still, stale air that surrounded both Thomas and Jane as they sat together; neither speaking, both barely breathing. Thomas watched Jane carefully, noticing how she refused to make eye contact. He watched as she tried to figure out what was happening, what had happened and what was ahead of her. He listened to the way she refused to allow her lungs to fill as she breathed. He watched as she used her scarred hands to quickly dry each tear as it escaped against her best efforts. He felt the way she was forcing herself to accept what she believed to be her reality.

"Don't do that. You need to breathe."

"Hurts to breathe." Jane's voice wavered and cracked as she spit her words out at the man that refused to leave her alone.

"No, it doesn't." Thomas let out a long sigh, taking his time getting to his feet only to slide down so that he was sitting close to Jane. Close enough to touch, yet being sure not to.

Jane didn't look at Thomas, didn't acknowledge his close proximity to her, but she did begin to breathe with more of an even purpose.

"Are you giving up, Jane?" Thomas spoke with the softness of a father and Jane suddenly wondered about his own kids, his own family and if they had been here at the hospital awaiting word on his condition.

"I'm tired, Tom. Really tired."

Thomas let Jane's words sit between them for a bit before challenging her once again. "I see your brother is here. He's with Maura now."

Jane looked up at Thomas then, allowing him to see the darkness that colored her vision. "Frankie has been here all along, you know that."

"You know, dark is often seen as the color of fear, pain, intimidation. I don't always see it that way. Learned not to always see it that way." Thomas held Jane's gaze, watching as she tried to process his words. "Your eyes are black, Jane. That worries me."

"My eyes are brown, always have been."

"No. Right now they are black. You are scared of something, I can see it." Thomas forced Jane to look him in the eyes, despite the way she physically pulled back.

"I want to know what the doctor said to Maura."

"Like I said, I see your brother is here...with Maura. They are close, are they not?" Thomas smiled at the way Jane recognized his strategy.

"Yeah, Maura took to Tommy. Felt sorry for him, I think." Jane's questioning expression only intrigued Thomas.

"_Prison tats. We notified his brother at a mommy and me class. Can't believe they're from the same family."_

"_Birth order is a significant factor. The oldest child is typically highly motivated like you while the youngest..."_

"_Robs banks?"_

"_I was gonna say, they tend to be coddled. Pick interests diametrically opposite to their older siblings and they tend to be...risk takers."_

"_Oh, I see you've run the Rizzoli family study."_

_Have you heard from Tommy yet?"_

"_No, and that's the second time you've asked me. Look who's coddling."_

"And you didn't like her feeling anything for Tommy? I'm a bit confused, Jane." Thomas continued to smile as he spoke and the gesture aggravated Jane enough to come alive.

"It's not like that. Tommy was a screw-up and he's got to prove himself before he would ever be good enough for Maura."

"Hmp. Don't really see that as your call." Thomas watched as a clearly frustrated Jane got to her feet.

"Tommy is my little brother. It is my job to watch out for him. He needs me, at least until he figures out his life." Jane's voice trailed off as she could feel her lungs begin to burn.

"He's got Frankie. Good thing huh?" Thomas got to his feet as well, intentionally invading Jane's personal space. "What about Dr. Isles? Is it your job to watch out for her as well?"

Jane's silence gave Thomas the victory he really wasn't interested in.

"Look through these doors, Jane. Go ahead, look." Thomas paused, waiting for Jane to bite. When she looked at the closed elevator doors he laughed out loud. "Can't see her, can you?"

"Why is that funny? Let me guess, you can?" Damn Thomas was pushing her now and Jane could feel the anger begin to warm her entire body.

"Actually, yes, I can." Thomas stopped laughing, stopped smiling. "But you can't."

Jane stared at Thomas, letting his words fall where they may. "You won't tell me what the doctor said to her, will you at least tell me if she is okay?"

"Oh, sure. All you had to do was ask." Thomas smiled again when Jane rolled her eyes. "Come with me. It's time you answered some questions for me."

Jane was anxious to leave the elevator and actually stopped to breathe in the cool air once again. Thomas waited without a sound until Jane was ready to follow. "Where are we going?"

"Surgery is over. Thought we'd check on you." Thomas walked away knowing Jane would be behind him instantly. She suddenly was there beside him, matching him stride for stride. Thomas stopped as they rounded the corner. "That must be Tommy. Good looking young man."

Jane looked at Thomas before starting toward Tommy. "Don't Jane. Do not touch him." Thomas' warning caused Jane to stop short of reaching for her brother. "He insisted on escorting Maura up to see you. He is doing all he knows to help her, ignoring his own grief and his own fear right now."

Jane hated that she was so restricted to anything physical. "If I touch him? You never tell me why, you just tell me not to."

"There was a time when you would never question me, Rizzoli. You would simply say 'yes, sir' and we'd move on. Now's not the time either." Thomas no longer had that fatherly tone to his words, he was Thomas O'Malley, field training officer number three...or four.

Jane took in a deep breath which caused Thomas to smile. "Yes, sir."

"Tommy had a thing for Maura, am I right?" Thomas knew Jane was anxious to get into the room with Maura. "He actually caused a bit of a rift between the two of you. Am I right?"

"Tommy was picked up as a suspect by the FBI. Maura was forced to keep it from me, so yes there was a rift." Jane wondered if Thomas already knew all this. "It all worked out, Tommy was clean and Maura and I are okay."

"_Maura?"_

"_Second degree mid-dermal burns from the exploding die pack."_

"_Yeah, that's what you do. You hide behind science. You knew the FBI was about to arrest Tommy."_

"_Check your messages. I called you the second that I could."_

"_You should've called me before he was arrested."_

"_Look, title 18 forbids..."_

"_I don't give a damn about title 18. There are ways to tell me without telling me."_

"_Really! Well the justice department could've indicted me for the mere act of disclosing my knowledge of their intent to arrest Tommy. That is ten years in a federal prison plus the loss of my medical license..."_

"_You didn't trust me enough to protect you...and you didn't protect me."_

Thomas stared at Jane as she let her thoughts take her back. How she let her frustration and anger get anywhere near Maura. "Do you think Maura trusts you, Jane? Do you think she trusts you to protect her?"

"I hope so."

"Me too." Thomas took up position in front of the door. His attention was on Tommy who had his eyes closed as he rested his head against the wall.

"_Jane, Ferral got to Cavenaugh. I'm sorry, he made me and Korsak lead on the two homicides."_

"_Okay, you see that, Maura? That's what friends do. They tell you."_

"_Excuse me, I have to go check on something."_

"_Uh, I'm off the case, Frost. My brother is a suspect."_

"_This is all Ferral. You know, she doesn't even..."_

"_What the hell went down between you two?"_

"_She married the job instead of me. This is her fault."_

"_She's just doing her job."_

"_So is Maura."_

"Please?" Jane begged Thomas to let her in. She was worried about Maura, her own condition not a priority.

"Do not touch her, Rizzoli. Am I understood?"

Jane shook her head, suddenly painfully aware of the trauma she had suffered. Thomas' glare was meant to warn and Jane fielded his gaze until he was ready to allow her in. Jane took a few steps toward Maura, her heart beginning a pace that frightened her.

"The great Dr. Isles feels helpless. She's used to dead people, not dying loved ones." Thomas' fatherly tone returned and not a second too soon.

"_Too bad you can't live in your microscopic world."_

"_Makes more sense then the macro world right now."_

"_Yeah._"

Jane moved around Maura, intentionally keeping her eyes from landing on her own body. "I've never seen fear this way. I mean, I've seen fear, felt fear and lived fear, but this is different, Tom." Jane studied Maura's face.

"Dr. Isles is scared to death." Thomas followed Jane as she walked slowly around Maura.

"I must be okay, if they let her in, right? They wouldn't let her in if I wasn't going to make it?" Jane let her eyes drift to her body, the tubes and bandages too much at once. "Tom?"

"Maura is a doctor, Jane. She knows how to act and what to say. They didn't let her in, she demanded they escort her in to see you." Thomas gently took Jane by the shoulders and guided her to stand directly in front of Maura. "Look at her, Jane. Look at the fear in her eyes. Dark is the color of fear..."

"Tom? I'm scared. What if I can't help her? What if I can't protect her. What if...Tell me, please, Tom. Please tell me what to do?"

"Breath, Rizzoli. Relax." Thomas turned Jane so that she was looking at herself. "Are you afraid of fear, Jane? What do you do when fear is killing you?"

"_Listen, I don't want to stand in the way of a great romance. Okay?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_You and Tommy. I mean, clearly, opposites attract."_

"_It's an evolutionary strategy to ensure healthy reproduction."_

"_Okay. Why do you have to go straight to breeding? Alright? With my brother."_

"_Look, I like Tommy. A lot. But I love you. And I hate it when you hate me, so I don't want to do anything to compromise our friendship."_

"_Good, cuz...I hate it when I have to...hate you."_

"I thought you said it was the bullet that was in my head that was killing me." Jane mumbled her words as her eyes stayed fixed on Maura's. How she wished Maura could see her, how she wished she could touch her.

"Bullet is out, Rizzoli." Thomas walked toward the door.

"Where are you going?" the sudden frantic pace of Jane's words stopped Thomas.

"I'll be here, Jane. I'll be here for as long as you need me."


	12. Chapter 12

The Scent of Lavender and Fear chapter 12

I don't own R and I.

**A/N: Everybody needs somebody, despite our reluctance to let anybody that close.**

Thomas slid down the wall closest to the door of the tiny room, letting his legs fall out straight in front of him. "You know, it's been quite a while since I've been able to sit like this. It's nice not having to fight constant pain."

"You don't hurt any more? At all?" Jane directed her voice toward Thomas, yet her eyes stayed glued to Maura.

"She's not going to leave until they force her. She's convinced that just her presence will be enough to pull you through." Thomas' words were filled with sadness and Jane picked up on the tone immediately.

Jane remembered Thomas' warnings not to touch Maura and being too close was definitely tempting. She walked toward Thomas and lowered herself so that she was sitting next to him. "I'm sorry, Tom. If we had known that you had an operation going on..."

Thomas held his hand up to silence Jane, and the simple gesture left an easy quiet between them. Finally Thomas was ready to speak and he looked at Jane with great curiosity. "Does your head hurt?"

"It's been getting worse, I think." Jane was quick to answer, patient to wait for an explanation.

"That's good." Thomas glanced up at Jane knowing she would question his response. "I don't feel any pain. It's actually a wonderful feeling, Jane. No pain at all."

The silence once again hung over them as they sat together, Jane watching Maura, Thomas watching Jane. "Tom, was your family here? You haven't mentioned them."

Thomas smiled at Jane's question, but Jane was trained to read people. It was evident to her that he did feel at least some pain, even if not physical. The smile was a disguise, a fa-sad, and Jane saw through it. "You're good, Rizzoli. I always knew you had potential."

Jane then reached out for Thomas' hand, not sure if she was relieved or scared when she realized she could feel him and he her. She watched him as he avoided eye contact at first, then searched her out through her eyes. "I lost them years ago. My wife to the job, my daughter to this world."

"I'm sorry, Tom."

"My wife, ex-wife, was here. She always said the job would kill me and I would kill us." Thomas let out a small chuckle. "I suppose she was right on both counts."

Jane let her fingers stroke Thomas' hand. "What about your daughter? What happened?"

"You remind me of her, Rizzoli. Just a bit, when you smile." Thomas smiled when Jane did. "She was a good girl, you know. Walked with her head up, did the right things, loved the right way."

Jane could hear the way Thomas loved his daughter by the way his voice held a mixture of pride and sorrow.

"Life got away from her and she asked me to help her, but I was too busy. Always too busy. Always almost done with this case or that one. Always unavailable at least that's how she saw it. I suppose that's how it was." Thomas looked up at Jane. "She got off track, looked for another solution because Dad wasn't available."

Jane let Thomas hold her eyes, her silence only encouraging and seemingly comforting as well.

"Her mother refused to clean out her apartment after we buried her. She left it for me...if I could find the time." Thomas' eyes turned dark and the change was nearly startling to Jane. Dark was the color of pain as well as fear. "I found something she wrote. Not so sure if anybody was meant to see it, but I did and it was how I always heard her when I thought of her from that day on."

Jane could see the way Thomas' pain filled eyes thanked her for listening. It was the least she could do.

"Was it a suicide note?"

"No. No, I don't think so."

Jane stared at Thomas. "What did the note say?" Jane was certain Thomas knew every word of that note and even wondered if he still had it in his own possessions now.

"It was years ago, Rizzoli. The old man's brain doesn't remember things so good any more."

"I don't believe that at all. You know that note inside and out and I want to help you. Let me hear what she said." Jane tightened her grasp on Thomas' hand.

The familiar silence was back as Thomas contemplated whether to share his failure and his daughter's pain with Jane. Thomas closed his eyes, letting his head rest against he wall. He cleared his throat and Jane held her breath for fear she wouldn't hear every word.

"_Too tired to function. Too restless to sleep. Everything is heavy, so heavy and my body too weak. Everybody needs something from me. I give until I can no longer and then give just a little more. Its what I do, who I am. I really don't know who I am. The world tells me, dictates what I need to be and to whom."_

Thomas looked over at Jane quickly before resuming his position with his eyes closed.

_"His weight is suffocating, his love confusing at best. He loves me, I know this because he tells me. His voice is hard, his hands strong. I have to believe he'll be okay. I have no strength to believe he won't.  
I fell from where I was, where I stood. My balance compromised. It hurts to breathe, to try, sometimes it hurts to be."_

Jane kept her eyes on Maura as she simply stared at Jane's lifeless body. She occasionally touched her hand, but Jane still was not registering the contact. She finally closed her eyes as Thomas continued.

"_I didn't ask for this, not then, not now.  
I want to give up, in some ways maybe I have.  
Instead I get up, smile because I remember how it was, how love used to feel. I still feel his weight, doesn't hurt as much so I forget. Replace today with tomorrow and sometimes even yesterday. Helps until I realize it really doesn't."_

Jane recognized the necessary breather as Thomas fought to keep his voice level, strong.

_"I'm so tired, the day ahead as demanding as the night prior. My head is spinning, screaming out warnings I cant hear. I would give anything to understand._

_Why I am still here is often in my mind._

_So is the guilt for wishing I wasn't._

_People change, they turn on you when you least expect them to. You want to believe what they say to you, but words are just words so often without any truth. _

_I was a fool and in many ways still am. I will regret my decisions until I am no longer punished and judged. _

_I'm too tired to care, too burned to breathe. Everybody wants something from me for a little while then I am left to wonder what I've done to deserve any of it._

_Got to care to fight. There will be no more fighting. No more caring_."

Now the silence that hung between Jane and Thomas was loud, too loud as Jane struggled to find the words that would express how she was feeling. It took only seconds to realize there were no words.

"I will see her soon. I am looking forward to it. I have time for her now, Jane." Thomas smiled then and Jane did as well in spite of the pain that accompanied every word that Thomas had just recited.

"I don't know what to say." Jane's apologetic tone seemed to snap Thomas out of the trance he had allowed himself to fall into.

"Tell me you care enough to fight." Thomas' words were almost angry now and Jane pulled away from him instinctively. "I have never lost any of my charges, but I imagine the pain would be very similar to that of losing my child."

"You took that bullet for me, how am I supposed to live with that guilt? How am I supposed to live knowing you died protecting me?" Jane could hear her voice as it faded in and out. She struggled to keep it level, much like Thomas did earlier, but she recognized that she was failing miserably.

Thomas got to his feet, expecting Jane to do the same. It was when she did that he pulled her to him and let his arms surround her. Jane could feel the blood as it seeped through her bandage on her abdomen. She wondered if Thomas could too. If he could, he didn't seem to care. He released Jane and the sudden loss of contact was almost painful. "What is it you're afraid of, Rizzoli?"

"I'm not sure. Sometimes I think nothing. Other times I know I'm afraid of everything." Jane pulled her hand up to her face, her questioning gaze falling on Thomas. He motioned with his head toward the bed where Maura was gently stroking the side of Jane's face.

Thomas placed his hand on the side of Jane's face, the familiar calm that his actions had produced once again caused Jane to turn into his touch. "Are you afraid of her?"

"No. Yeah. Maybe." Jane stuttered and was clearly uncomfortable with Thomas' question.

"Answer the question, Rizzoli. Either you are or you aren't." Thomas removed his hand yet Jane could still feel the gentle stroking from Maura's cold, soft fingers. "You know you can't afford to be indecisive in this world. Make a decision and go with it."

"Yes. Yes, Tom. I am afraid of Maura."

Thomas laughed at Jane's admission, however Jane knew easily that Thomas wasn't laughing at her. "You're going to have to fight, Jane. I mean really fight. It will be different than how you fought Hoyt. Different than how you fight the enemy that we face every day."

Jane's gaze was locked on Thomas, praying he would continue. She knew he had answers for her and she felt he was ready to give them up.

"I didn't die protecting you, Jane. I wouldn't do that to you." Thomas glanced toward Maura before returning his gaze to Jane. "It was my time, it really is as simple as that."

"Is it my time, Tom?" Jane closed her eyes, bracing for the answer she felt he would finally give her.

"Not my call."

Jane felt her whole body drop as the frustration slammed into her once again.

"You will have to fight through the pain, and it will be bad, Jane. You will quite possibly wish for death." Thomas accepted Jane's hopeful look as she straightened her posture. "You will have to fight your fears. You will need to identify those fears first, don't be afraid to do that."

Jane began to shake, her whole body trembling with Thomas' words. He took a step in and placed his hand on her face once again. Jane was amazed at how easily she regained her composure. "Keep your eyes open and your head up. Eyes wide open, Detective. Always."

"Are you leaving me, Tom? You said you'd stay as long as I needed you." Jane didn't try to hide the panic that flooded her voice.

"I did say that. I am leaving you, Rizzoli. It's time, you don't need me any longer."

"That's not true. What if I can't do this? What if the pain is too much and I can't..."

"You're not afraid of pain, Rizzoli. Never have been. You're afraid to love and quite frankly, I can't blame you there." Thomas smiled then and Jane knew he was leaving her despite her frantic pleas for him to stay, just a bit longer. "Fear can kill you, Rizzoli. I believe that."

Jane watched as Thomas slowly dropped his hands to his sides. "I'm going to go see my daughter now. I have plenty of time now. Don't waste too much more of yours." Thomas turned and begin to walk toward the door. "Eyes wide open, Detective. Always keep your eyes open."

Jane watched as Thomas intentionally left the room without opening the door. She had never felt so alone and she wanted to scream and holler for him to come back, but her body began to shake again, disabling her against her own actions.

The feel of Maura's hand against her cheek stopped the shaking and it was then that Jane walked the short few feet toward her bed where Maura was sitting on the edge. Thomas didn't tell her if she could touch Maura now, but he had left her to figure it out and she would.

Jane watched Maura as she searched Jane's face for any sign of conscious activity. Jane could feel Maura's hand on her face, but she was scared to return the contact. Thomas said to identify her fear and fight against it. She missed him already. Jane forced her hand to squeeze Maura's other hand and the slight movement brought a smile to Maura's face that had Jane wondering if she had ever seen such a beautiful sight before.

"Jane? Jane, I'm here. We're all here. We need you here too." Jane could feel Maura's breath on her face as she talked. She let her fingers glide over the skin on the back of Maura's hand. She could feel Maura and right now that was enough.

"Hey, Rizzoli!" Jane instantly pulled her eyes away from Maura at the sound of Thomas' voice. "I found her, isn't she beautiful?"

Jane smiled at Thomas as he smiled at his daughter. "She is, Tom. She is beautiful."

"Meet Mandy O'Malley. Amanda really, but I always called her Mandy." Thomas placed a kiss on the top of his daughter's head. He then focused on Jane again. "Dan named his daughter after mine. He knew, Jane. Not many people did, but he did."

Jane stared at the girl, maybe mid-twenties or so as she stared at Maura.

"You saved his daughter, brought her back to him. You may have an idea of what that meant to him, but you couldn't know exactly. Hopefully you do now." Thomas wrapped his arm around Mandy's shoulder, directing her out of the small room. "Take care, Rizzoli."

Jane watched as Thomas and his daughter left the room, once again without opening the door. It was then that she realized Maura was speaking to her. Her words becoming louder, clearer as Jane focused on her face. Jane squeezed Maura's hand. Thomas gave her the answers she needed. He gave her the strength to fight some more and she wouldn't let him down. Thomas O'Malley was proud of her and that would be more than enough back-up for Jane to fight.

"Jane, please open your eyes for me." Jane would do anything to protect Maura and she would start by erasing that dark color from her eyes.

Jane could feel her head begin to throb as she slowly forced her eyes open. The lights were too bright and the pain too much, but the smile and the relieved tears that she managed to see would be enough to fight through whatever pain was coming.

Maura knew she would need to summon the doctor now that Jane was awake, and she would. "Just a few minutes. I want just a few minutes, okay, Jane?"

Jane nodded, instantly closing her eyes to the pain that followed. She forced herself to reopen them, knowing Maura needed to see her alive. She was alive and she would do whatever she had to do to protect Maura. She wasn't afraid of dying, this much she now knew for sure. Maybe she truly was afraid of love like Thomas suggested. Jane watched as Maura took the few minutes she wanted and knew that she would definitely fight against that fear. She had plenty of reason to and she promised Thomas she would.

_**Let in the day after a dark night. If you're still here, you're not done dying.**_

**A/N 2: I wanted to say thank you for the nomination that I received for this story. Such an incredible compliment to be recognized in any way. I also wanted to say thank you to all those that have taken the time to read, review and comment on any of my stories, let alone this one. Reading is so very often a necessary escape as is writing and I believe both can heal a wounded soul if you need it; if you let it...Sincerely, Whitebordeaux**


	13. Chapter 13

The Scent of Lavender and Fear The Eulogy

I don't own Rizzoli and Isles or the characters.

**There was a tendency to look at life from a distance; almost as if watching, not living. There is a need to live, to love, to feel.**

Jane carefully buttoned the top button of her shirt. She hated wearing the tie but it was part of the uniform and it was important to look presentable; formal. Thomas' ex-wife had agreed, actually insisted that his funeral be put on hold until Jane was well enough to attend. Jane could tell after only a few short conversations that she had loved Thomas even though no longer married. It was the job and they all knew it. There were many risks involved with the job, and love and marriage was just as fragile as health and life. It was important to the former Mrs. O'Malley that she be there and she knew it was equally as important to Jane.

She dreaded being amongst her brothers and sisters in blue today as they prepared to say goodbye to one of their own. She needed it though; needed to be surrounded by her peers, colleagues, and friends. Needed it as much as she dreaded it.

"You look great, Jane." Maura watched as her friend straightened her tie after finally tying it.

"Hate wearing blues...look like a man." Jane pulled her hair from the tight bun that would keep it all up under her hat. Her long dark hair easily covered her neck and shoulders and with that Jane began to breathe a bit easier. Jane stared at herself in the mirror before letting her eyes fall onto Maura just a few feet behind her. "I don't know if I can do this."

Maura took in the low, raw sound of Jane's voice. It was hard on all of them when they lost one of their own. "You'll get through it." Maura's gentle touch against Jane's back said more than words would and with that she left the room.

Jane stared at herself in the mirror, yeah, she'd get through it. She had managed to get through a lot and today really would be no different. They all knew the risks involved with being an officer. They chose to do a dangerous job and sometimes things go wrong. So very wrong. She closed her eyes and could almost hear the screaming. Police. She could hear them screaming police, she was sure she was as well. She remembered hearing Frost close to her and grasping for his arm. He was too far away. She remembered the quick, sudden pain and she remembered hearing Frost so close again. She couldn't see Thomas. Never saw Thomas.

The cool air that greeted Jane as she made her way out of the funeral home had a warning feel to it. Winter would come early this year, Jane often felt it in her bones. Maura had made her way down the steps, stopping in front of Jane, silently offering whatever she had for whatever Jane needed.

"I had to get out of there." Jane didn't look Maura in the eye as she lowered herself down so that she could sit for a few minutes. Maura sat as well, letting her shoulder lightly touch Jane's. "This sucks, Maur. Really sucks."

Maura was not a police officer, but she was definitely one of them. While she may not fully understand the bond that existed between every officer, she knew Jane was hurting as was the entire Boston PD. "It is extremely sad. I couldn't imagine losing my husband...or wife...like this."

Jane snapped her head up at Maura's words. She knew Maura worried about her, she knew it was inevitable, but she never really asked Maura how all this was affecting her. Jane reached for Maura's hand, giving it a slight squeeze if for nothing else to let her know she heard her. She watched Maura until she had disappeared into the funeral home. It was packed, standing room only, but that's the way Ms. O'Malley had wanted it. Jane thought it sad that Thomas had very little family, but then she realized he had all he needed. Until he didn't.

"Rizzoli. It's part of the job. The part we don't prepare or train for." Thomas' voice made Jane smile. She glanced up at the tops of the trees that swayed just a little to his easy rhythm. "We just do it."

Jane turned to face Thomas, he looked good in his formal attire. He looked happy. "Somehow I knew you'd show."

"Won't let you do this alone. Would be rude, in a way. Don't ya think?" Thomas laughed at the way Jane stared. "What's on your mind, Rizzoli?"

"I don't know what to say. I don't know how to explain...how to tell everyone..." Jane brought her hands up to her head only to drop then when she remembered how Thomas got on her for that.

"Head still hurt, Jane?"

"No, sir." Jane was quick with an answer and she held her breath hoping it was the correct one.

"Relax. Stand down and relax, Rizzoli. Nothing to prove, nothing to solve, nothing to protect. Not today, okay?" Thomas squeezed Jane's shoulder prompting her to straighten her stance just a bit. She smiled at him in response to his words but as soon as she did he was gone.

Jane responded to each officer and fellow detective that spoke to her, yet she barely heard her own voice as she did so. She could feel her brother's hand gently move her forward as it was standing room only and they needed to get to the seats that had been reserved for them. She took a seat in the front of the church, next to Maura who had a close eye on her. Jane knew Maura was concerned about her health and she had continuously nagged, warned, Jane to take it easy. Frankie took his place to her right and she found herself wishing this would be over. She wanted to ask Thomas if she could just go, surely somebody else could handle speaking on his behalf. She scanned the room, it seemed everybody present knew Thomas and if they didn't, they knew his kind.

Jane's heart sunk as she watched Thomas' wife. He'd correct her and say ex as if he believed she was better off without him. Maybe she was, but she stood tall to honor the officer her husband was and the way she held her head told Jane she regretted losing him in every way. She would be treated as royalty as the widow and that's the way Thomas would want it. Jane was willing to bet Thomas set her up well, despite their marital status, of course none of that was her business. She appeared fragile, delicate even but Jane believed she was anything but breakable. It was known that spouses had to be at least part steel to put up with the hours, the stress and the grief that came with the job. You don't prepare for death, you survive it.

The music started and Jane knew she wouldn't want this. She wouldn't want her family gathering to honor her. She quickly reminded herself it wouldn't be for her. Funerals are for the family, the friends, the colleagues. The dead is beyond caring, so what she would want would be irrelevant at best. Jane watched as the minister stood in front of the room and waited patiently for the music to stop. He didn't seemed at all concerned with what he would say. Instead he looked from officer to officer, detective to detective and silently prayed with and for each one.

Jane watched the preacher as he made his way to the front of the church to address those who had gathered. She wondered if he knew Thomas, or if he preached from a general script for a fallen officer. Jane was suddenly angry. Angry and outraged and overwhelmingly sad all at the same time. She knew she would never forget what Thomas had done for her from the classroom, to the field and then at the hospital. He never lost a charge. No, he didn't. Thomas O'Malley was one of them. He was Boston PD. He was a partner to a few, and a teacher to many more. He was the police and he had lost the battle.

Now Jane would address Thomas' family, friends, and colleagues. She slowly got to her feet, feeling the floor sway just a bit as she did. The short walk from her seat to the front of the church where she was to stand and speak seemed to take forever. The ground felt further away from her feet with every step and it wasn't surprising to feel Frankie come up behind her and gently take her arm. He escorted her to the podium where she would speak about Thomas O'Malley, who he was to her, what he stood for and why they fought the fight without much hope of winning. Just staying in the game was a victory, not many would understand and even less would agree.

Jane had avoided Thomas' official police photo that had been enlarged and sat at an angle just to her left. Her eyes filled quickly when they did land on the photo and in an attempt to harden her heart she looked toward Maura. She reluctantly pulled her eyes away at the sound of an obvious distraction to her left.

"Come on, Rizzoli. Nothing good comes from hesitating. Make a decision and hold to it." Thomas had made his way to the empty seat next to his former wife and Jane couldn't help but smile at how sweet they looked together. "It's your pace, but these guys aren't used to sitting around for so long."

Jane had forgotten her notes that she had written out for she wanted to honor Thomas in the best way she could. Another look toward Maura and the panic that threatened subsided in favor of an unfamiliar calmness. She didn't need notes, she needed to find a way to overcome the grief that was consuming her. Thomas O'Malley had paid the ultimate price and she somehow was expected to tell everyone here what they already knew.

Jane addressed the packed church with a voice very much unlike her own. It wasn't until she made eye contact with Thomas' wife that she was able to speak in full sentences. They all knew the risks involved with being an officer at any level. They all knew and accepted the danger and sometimes they even celebrated a victory. There would be no victory to celebrate but there was a man to honor for his service. A quick glance toward Frankie and a lingering one to Maura and Jane began again.

"There is a unique camaraderie among law-enforcement officers. It starts as early as a rookie's first week in the academy. It's drilled into your head...and heart...that it's us against them." Jane's voice had that unique flavor that Maura loved so much, but the sadness that filled her words was hard to accept. "In the beginning you are so close to your fellow cadets, your classmates. Nobody understands what you are trying to learn and achieve like they do. Your sergeants, lieutenants, field training officers, are your only friends. It's tough, and this isn't for everyone."

Maura looked into Jane's eyes. The usually dark brown was now colorless black and Maura found she could not look away. "It is for you, Jane. And Frankie and every other officer here today. They understand." Maura's whispered words caught Frankie's attention as he reached over squeezing Maura's hand.

Jane smiled, for Maura, not because her heart had any other reason to right then. "No one knows you better than your partner. Death is defied on your behalf so many times by someone who is not even related to you. The loyalty there is like no other; unconditional, unwavering. I was never afforded the privilege of being Thomas' partner, however I was awarded the opportunity to learn from him. And the fact that I am standing here today says I learned what I needed to."

Maura watched carefully as Jane worked out her emotions. It was important to her to be able to do this and it was important for Maura to be there with her while she did.

"With every fallen officer, there is the partner who is just as wounded, just as scarred. In some ways, worse as he is still living. There's an incredible amount of guilt when your partner goes down, so often misplaced and undeserved, but felt nonetheless." Jane let her thoughts take her back to when Korsak found her in the basement. When he shot Hoyt just in time and when he looked into her eyes once she was freed. She would never forget the emotion Korsak nearly drowned in and she still sees glimpses of his guilt today. He was not responsible for what happened to her, but he was responsible for his partner. He took that responsibility seriously, they all did. "When one cop falls, every cop feels the hit, somewhere deep inside. Doesn't matter what rank, doesn't matter how many years on the job, doesn't matter. You feel it."

The silence in the room was deafening. Jane wasn't sure how she felt about the way her friends, family and colleagues all looked at her. They wanted to hear what she had to say. It shouldn't be this way. Thomas was the teacher, the speaker, the mentor. He was the one that had the answers and he was the one that knew how to make sure you understood them. "Every cop knows the dangers. We put our vests on and it reminds us that we are in danger, a target even. You never know when your number will be called. You never know when your time is up, when the fight is over for you." Jane turned her head to see Frankie as he made his way out of the church. She then looked over to where Thomas was staring at her, his eyes encouraging her to continue.

"Got to care, Rizzoli. Got to fight. Got to care to fight." Jane paused scanning the room, noticing every eye on her. "I heard Thomas O'Malley as I fought for my life. He had lost his, yet refuse to let me lose mine. I often hated the man while he trained and tortured me, but it was that same tone he used to push me through what I have no doubt was the hardest fight of my life. How do you thank somebody for that? Not one of Thomas' charges died in the line of duty or otherwise and he fought with me to make sure I preserved his record. Stats were important to the man and he refused to let me tarnish his perfect record."

Jane listened to the soft laughter that followed and she glanced at Thomas' wife who was sitting without Thomas. She offered the woman a smile, knowing she understood Thomas better than anyone and Jane's words were what she needed to hear. "I didn't always follow orders the way I should. I liked to challenge authority when I knew I was right. Maybe that was wrong of me to allow my heart to rule my head, but some of us take longer to understand the concept. I can still hear Thomas' words as he had to tell me more than once, you know that'll kill ya every time. Got to think it through before you allow yourself to feel anything. Instincts are about training, experience, fear."

Jane glanced up toward the back of the room where Thomas leaned up against the wall. He offered Jane a half smile before nodding for her to continue.

"I know Thomas is responsible for saving my life. Numerous times in the field as well as that fateful day when he lost his. He gave his life for mine, and that is something I have had to come to terms with. It was a choice, a choice he made because of a decision I made. A selfish act that was all as a result of training, experience and fear. He with the experience, me with the fear."

Jane looked down at her hands that were now shaking. She could feel the panic began to rise and she wasn't sure if she could continue.

"Open your eyes, Rizzoli. Eyes wide open, Detective." Thomas had moved so that he was directly in front of Jane. "Gotta keep your head up, it's important, you know that."

Jane would always hear Thomas' voice and today was no different. She knew she would never really say goodbye to him, not like the others here today. She took a deep breath and once again looked around the room. Thomas was gone again and Jane wouldn't look for him.

"You cannot use pain to determine your condition. It's not always accurate, sometimes even misleading. Thomas had a way with words that made sense even if, especially if you didn't want to hear them. I heard them the whole time I was fighting and I wished he would go away. Go away and leave me alone to die, but he refused. And now I stand here today and tell you about a man that cared about his people more than himself. A man that paid the ultimate price and even then still fought for his people. I don't know how to thank a man like that. All I can do is get back up, put the uniform on, and fight another day. That's what he'd want and that's what I'll do."

Jane left the church, making her way outside where she forced herself to breathe. It hurt her lungs and she realized she was scared. Not quite sure why or of what. Maybe of getting back up for she was due back at work in the morning. It had been a long recovery period and she was physically cleared for duty. Her psyche exam proved her fit as well, and her need to work was as demanding as her need to reflect.

"What's on your mind, Rizzoli?" Thomas stood slightly off to the right of Jane and leaned up against the building. He hadn't a care in the world and how Jane envied him.

"Scared, I guess." Jane's voice was low, almost whispered.

"Of what? Living or dying?"

"Maybe both. What do you do when fear is killing you?" Jane looked Thomas in the eyes as she spoke and his body was as she remembered but his eyes were young again.

"Conquer it. Can't live afraid, Rizzoli. Affects everything you do, risks everything you love."

Jane smiled at Thomas. "I didn't know what to say in there. I'm here and you're not. Doesn't seem right. Doesn't seem fair."

Thomas took a few steps closer to Jane, he handed her a folded up piece of paper. "Put that in your pocket and you read it when you think life isn't fair."

Jane did as she was ordered and continued to stare at Thomas who kept his eyes trained on hers. "I'm sorry, Thomas. I let fear decide my actions and now you're gone."

"I'll never be gone, Jane. It doesn't work that way." Thomas took a few steps back and waited for Jane to focus on him. "Too tired to function. Too restless to sleep. Everything is heavy, so heavy and my body too weak. Everybody needs something from me. I give until I can no longer and then give just a little more. Its what I do, who I am. I really don't know who I am. The world tells me, dictates what I need to be and to whom. His weight is suffocating, his love confusing at best. He loves me, I know this because he tells me. His voice is hard, his hands strong. I have to believe he'll be okay. I have no strength to believe he won't. I fell from where I was, where I stood. My balance compromised. It hurts to breathe, to try, sometimes it hurts to be. I didn't ask for this, not then, not now. I want to give up, in some ways maybe I have. Instead I get up, smile because I remember how it was, how love used to feel. I still feel his weight, doesn't hurt as much so I forget. Replace today with tomorrow and sometimes even yesterday. Helps until I realize it really doesn't. I'm so tired, the day ahead as demanding as the night prior. My head is spinning, screaming out warnings I cant hear. I would give anything to understand. Why I am still here is often in my mind. So is the guilt for wishing I wasn't.

People change, they turn on you when you least expect them to. You want to believe what they say to you, but words are just words so often without any truth. I was a fool and in many ways still am. I will regret my decisions until I am no longer punished and judged. I'm too tired to care, too burned to breathe. Everybody wants something from me for a little while then I am left to wonder what I've done to deserve any of it. Got to care to fight. There will be no more fighting. No more caring."

Jane listened to Thomas' voice as he recited his daughter's letter. She felt the pain in the girl's words and the pain in her father's voice. Got to care to fight.

"You don't have time to waste, Rizzoli. Every day is your last, as far as you know." Thomas started to walk away. "Eyes wide open, Detective. You'll never see what's coming for you if you close your eyes."

Jane smiled at Thomas' words before following his eyes. He had seen Maura coming from the church before she did. He winked at Jane before straightening his tie. Jane watched him until he was gone. She believed she'd hear him as her career progressed. She believed she'd feel him protecting her. That's the way it worked.

Jane waited for Maura to reach her before she addressed her. "What do you do when fear is killing you?"

"Oh, Jane, I hardly doubt it would be fear..."

Jane smiled and it was a smile that reached her eyes and touched her heart. "You conquer it, Maura. That's what you do. Can't be afraid to live. I want to live, Maura."

Maura was speechless and could only offer up a smile she was sure Jane would accept. Jane laughed out loud knowing there would be no way to explain Thomas' presence there with them today. No scientific explanation anyway and that was okay.

"What are you doing today, Dr. Isles?"

"You tell me, Detective." Maura looped her arm through Jane's as they proceeded to leave the church.

Jane watched the tops of the trees as they swayed to a rhythm not forced by the wind. They almost danced against the background of a perfectly blue sky and Jane was forced to watch just for a few minutes longer. "Rest in peace, Thomas O'Malley."

_**Let in the day after a dark night, if you're still here, you're not done dying.**_


End file.
